2019 Discoveries

Something I thought might be fun was to do a post of things that I learned, discovered, or re-discovered over the past year.

Podcasts/Media:
There are some podcasts and other media that I discovered, love, and wanted to share.

The first is Buck Off Banter which Amanda from $900 Facebook Pony recommended at some point. It is FANTASTIC! Not only are they real horse people they are very funny. They share the bad with the good and just enough about their family and non-horse things to feel like you're talking with a friend over a cup of coffee instead of listening to a podcast. 100% recommend.

The second is the Confident Rider Podcast. I actually found this through the Olivia Towers podcast (which I also really enjoy) but while that one is still fairly young and there are a lot of topics that I just don't connect with as much, I LOVE Jane Pike. She talks a lot about anxiety and mind set stuff and I find it really helpful. I've learned more of my current skill set around mental health from her than I did from the therapist I was seeing for awhile. Even if you aren't struggling with mental health stuff at the moment this is a fantastic listen.

The Hackett Equine Youtube channel is my third item for this group. I talk a lot about how much I enjoy Youtube but I also feel like I have a pretty good handle on which channels are out there and which I enjoy. Hackette Equine was a new one for me this year and she's lovely. I definitely recommend if you enjoy equine youtube channels!

Planning:
I got a planner around black Friday and it’s been something I’ve used off and on since then. Recently I think I’ve hit my stride with using this. The main thing I’m still struggling with is how to plan for future rides with all of the variability that entails. Ultimately though it’s more important for me to be able to plan when I’ll be able to ride and for now as long as I have a main theme for my rides on any given week I can always shift around if needed based on the weather or Katai’s behavior. The main thing it’s help helpful with is being able to look ahead and identify which days in the future I won’t be able to ride. That way I don’t miss a ride that I could have made and then realize that I have plans the next evening so suddenly miss multiple days in a row. That had been a huge issue. Visually looking at my month and which days I won’t be able to ride has helped me prioritize to ride on days when I can especially on weeks where my schedule is tighter.

Consistency is Good:
Both with time at the barn and mindset around change consistency feels really positive right now. I’m so tired of being so transient. I’m tired of moving homes, states, jobs, barns, etc. Knowing for the past year that I was going to be applying for and moving to a new job was stressful and applying and interviewing is always stressful and frustrating at times. Moving into a role at a great company that I’ll likely spend at least several years, if not the rest of my career, with is a huge weight off my shoulders.

Now we have our own little house :)

I’ve talked a fair amount about moving somewhere but knew that was less likely when I met my bf. I’ve also dreamed of having my own little farm and I think that thinking about that all the time always had me with one foot out the door at boarding places since it was easy to think about how that would solve all of the little annoyances. Now that we won’t be moving forward in that way it makes it easier to be solution focused with finding a great boarding situation and just staying there. Moving to the house and having a job that I’ll be at for a while also means that I’ll be living in one place and not moving around and therefore won’t have an additional reason to move barns. To me all of this means finding solutions to things like cold winters, hot humid summers, finding a great trainer etc. That’s a good place to be and feels much more settled and relaxing than constantly feeling like I should be picking up and making a big move. Also knowing that my disposable income will increase significantly in the near future means that I’ll have additional options for problem solving. I’ve already been doing this and it’s so nice to just be figuring it out vs. constantly having that foot out the door.

Down Time:
Taking some time off of lessons has been fantastic for me. I was feeling really burnt out after weekly lessons for a year and while I’m 100% confident that’s the quickest way to make progress, at this point as a working adult amateur with a high stress professional career, a new relationship, a new home, and a puppy that’s just too much. I’m looking forward to being able to have more consistent lessons (my goal is once per month or so) but for now this is exactly what I needed. I’ve been able to get my head straight and some of the training that’s needed with Katai is not in the arena but ground work and training items like working with the hose, relaxation and patience training, and being able to get out on trails. While I’m certain that some people could do this with weekly lessons I was just not feeling like I ever had enough time to work on my “homework” much less that I had time to work on these other things.

Pretty sure my boyfriend needs this mug

It’s been good for me and Katai’s relationship to step back, she’s getting more well-rounded, and her ulcer symptoms had completely gone away prior to the move. I contribute the improvement in her ulcers to several things but I’m also fairly convinced that the step back in arena work has helped. We will be slightly stepping this back up again to at least 2-3 days in the arena each week so it’s my goal to keep her tummy feeling just as good.

2019 Recap

Merry Christmas Eve! There are more pony updates on the way, including a really unexpected and amazing surprise, but I wanted to get this post done first.

I’m going to keep this pretty short partially just because I don’t have a ton of content. I actually thought about just skipping it but honestly, since this is meant to be a journal I think that looking back and reviewing the entire year is actually really helpful for me so here goes.

January Pony Face

January:
I was so excited to be leaving 2018 behind that I started 2019 strong with 9 posts which included sharing my awesome Christmas hauls and lots of goal setting. I’m not quite sure how I posted that much because what I remember about January was that I was sick for at least 3 weeks… I also found out that my trainer, K, was leaving us for the East coast which sucked and immediately threw my plans for the year into a tailspin.

One of the few photos I took in February, seems appropriate

February:
The universe was definitely getting to me and I remember getting sick again. It was also horrendously cold and I didn’t have a heated barn. I didn’t actually post at all this month, one of the few months in the entire life of this blog where I didn’t post.

Tough to believe that it was sunny and decent outside in March! Only a few more months

March:
I bounced back with 5 posts and was doing a lot of processing things with mindset, goals, and my mental health. Some of that showed up on the blog and some didn’t but it definitely had already started to be a big part of my year.

This definitely needed to be a Jen and Connor picture

April:
I only had 3 posts in April but it was definitely one of the best months riding wise. The weather was starting to really improve and I wrote about two “clinics” that I had a chance to ride in. Those were awesome and really set the tone for all of the work I did this year with Katai on relaxation. Back when I was actually able to ride, we were making leaps and bounds of progress on this topic. In addition, my boyfriend and I went to IN to see Jen from CobJockey and got to meet her significant other as well. It was an AWESOME trip where I got to ride Connor and see Jen’s barn which is gorgeous. It really felt like my year was starting to look up horse wise!

Don't remind me of the time when she was missing half her mane :/

May:
In May I posted 4 times and shared my haul from the MN horse expo (which was AMAZING), reviewed some products, and complained about a bad dental experience.

Delicious vegan foods I made myself

June:
I only posted twice in June and not much happened. Mostly I shared more about mindset things and answered a blog hop/questionnaire thing.

One of my favorite pictures of Katai this year

July:
Despite only posting three times, things really started to happen for me in June. If nothing else, 2019 has been the year of focusing on other big personal things and June was really the point where everything started to fall into place. In one enormous post I wrote about getting my new job (which I’m still loving by the way), finding out that we were buying a house, and plans to move my pony. I didn’t know where or when I was moving my pony at that point and neither barn I talked about ended up working out but I had outlined that I was on a waitlist and had determined that it was a goal to move in 2019.

August:
In continuing the theme of not posting much I posted three times in August. The main post in August was that I had found a place to move Katai! Thanks to a friend I had discovered a third option and decided to make the move. I also posted a little about the routine I was working on at that time.

One of, what feels like, very few rides in our new arena so far

September:
September was my second highest posting month thus far with 7 posts. The routine I had set for myself was really helping with motivation and because I was at the barn regularly I had more content. Funny how that works :) The biggest thing that happened was definitely moving to my current barn.

Throughout the rest of the month I really grew to love the social environment at the barn and it continues to be the best barn culture of any barn I’ve boarded at.

Such a regal and gorgeous girl <3

October:
I only posted twice this month because despite all of the lovely things at the new barn and me finally feeling incredibly motivated Katai started having all sorts of little health things cropping up. These prevented me from doing much riding at all in October but I did really buckle down, work hard, and start making progress on treating her for ulcers, thrush, and sensitive feets.

November:
I bounced back and posted 5 times but it was for the bad reason that Katai went horribly lame. Luckily it all turned out to be an abscess but that was after two vet visits, lots of bute, a steroid shot, and lots of paddock rest. It will take a little while for my check book to recover but I’m so so so glad it turned out ok. I remain proud of myself that throughout most of October and November I was at the barn almost every single day. That was a huge accomplishment and really showed me what I’m capable of.

Rather than a picture of a swollen pony leg, how about a picture of Moshy enjoying Lion King :)

December:
With this post I’m at only 5 posts so far for December but that already means that I posted more in 2019 than 2018 which feels like an accomplishment even if I’m still at half of what I was posting previously. I’m honestly really glad to be leaving 2019 behind because even though I accomplished some great things it still feels like I worked excessively hard for everything I did accomplish. Here’s to hoping that all of that work continues to pay dividends and that 2020 is a bright, shining, year of progress!

Mia, one of Katai's buddies

Pony Update

I'm failing at pony media again so here, have a snuggly puppy

I don't have much exciting to report. Since a couple of weeks ago when I rescued Katai's buddy the baby horse and was ecstatic to see that Katai's abscess had burst I haven't been able to make it to the barn much because of poorly timed snow and illness.

I'd be real grouchy about it except this is the first time in a long time where I've missed this much and I've been making progress packing up our apartment. While Katai was injured I'd also brought home all my tack and got it cleaned so we haven't been completely devoid of progress over here, just mostly devoid of progress :)

Katai was an absolute brat when I have been out but I'm blaming the fact that she's been getting more grain to ensure she was eating her bute and ulcer meds as well as the fact that she'd been on an alfalfa bale when she was on paddock rest and hadn't been moving around much and wearing off energy. Plus, inconsistent magnesium. Now that she's sound again I'm planning to do quite a bit of lunging before I get back on.

The rest of this winter, my focus is on fitness for both of us and weight loss for me. I've joined some rider fitness Facebook groups and I'm working on tracking my diet again. I'm also giving up alcohol for the next month or two to cut down on those superfluous calories. It is a tough time of year to try to lose weight and gain fitness but for the next few weeks at least we have the apartment gym and we only have one more Christmas gathering.

I did get some great Christmas gifts this year though and thought I'd share those in this post. First, what I got for myself.

In continuing the theme of getting myself horsie Christmas stuff I got a few things with the gift card I received back when I got the clipper. I had decided to wait and use it on Black Friday to make my money go a little further and there were some good deals that I was able to take advantage of.

Not a great picture but I'm running out of places in our apartment
to take pictures that don't have chaotic packing in the background.

I picked up a nice tack cleaning sponge, some raspberry breeches that were on clearance, and (my favorite) the grey set of Eskadron bandage liners. I ADORE these bandage liners and already have a black set and a white set but when I saw Dover had the grey set I decided to pick those up as well. In addition, I got them monogrammed because I'm that person. I think they're cute (plus the monogram won't be seen when they're on her so it's not too over the top) and can't wait to use them!

The Dreamers and Schemers socks from my bf's mom

Then, yesterday, we were at my boyfriend's mom's for Christmas. She Christmas shops off lists so this year I sent her a Riding Warehouse list. It's awesome because that list reflects size, color etc so all she needed to do was add the stuff she wanted to get me to the cart. Even better, I'd put a bunch of stuff on the list in all different prices so she could mix and match what she wanted to get that was in her budget and it was a surprise still what I got.

Already well used and well loved

She picked out a purple braiding comb/clip that I'm excited to try out as well as the Haas lambswool brush (which was backordered so isn't here yet), Dreamers and Schemers socks in a winter/holiday pattern, and the Back on Track scarf. I'm excited about all of it but especially the scarf because I have very tight and painful shoulders and neck (which turns out is likely because of anxiety) and someone at the barn recommended this since I can wrap it around whichever body part needs some help. I wore it the rest of the evening and it made my neck feel so weird but also better.

I think it's 100g fill

I've also been doing some bargain/thrift shopping! First, I've been stalking a used Horswear Ireland group on Facebook and was able to score another neck for $25.

The brands are Chillout (a British brand) for the pink and HKM for the grey. 

Then, I noticed someone selling a ton of breeches on Facebook for $30 each, all nice name brands. I picked out two that I thought were cute. They're larger sizes than I normally wear, which currently fit me, but I figured that once I lose the rest of this weight I could always find them a new home. They arrived this morning and they are AWESOME. They clearly haven't been worn and one still had a price tag for $140 on it. Pretty awesome score!

Finally, only partially horse related, I ordered some work clothes on ThredUp. The reason I'm mentioning it here is that they're part of my quest to both figure out how to be appropriately dressed for work while not needing to bring an entire outfit to change into at the barn (since I go directly there from work) and to look more like an adult in my day to day life. I tend to rely a lot on sweatpants, hoodies, and other ill fitting clothes but it's more out of laziness than anything else. Doing this through a thrift store allows me to get brands that I otherwise wouldn't be able to afford and to not feel too bad if some of this stuff gets wrecked eventually at the barn. I'll try and report back!

2019 Goals Recap

Another of my favorite photos from this past year.

Hmmm, where to begin :)

When I first thought about doing this post I thought that clearly I didn’t accomplish my 2019 goals, however, in actuality I accomplished more of them than I thought. I figured I’d outline some of the goals for 2019 that we accomplished, didn’t accomplish, and the things we accomplished without ever writing a goal.

Things that Were On My List

No Excuses:
Oh my gosh has this been a HUGE improvement this year. I have always had low resiliency (although I didn’t necessarily know what to call it) and would give up at any excuse to do so. Not on the really big things but the small things for sure. This year I’ve really dug in, in multiple ways and proceeded without making excuses. I may still whine about it but more and more I’m just getting up and still doing the thing. I’m SUPER proud of myself and even if this were the only goal I accomplished this year I’d feel good.

Too funny not to share. I was in the middle of filming our riding routine for my 

Insta story and Katai decided to pee complete with grunting.

Track my Rides:
This was a success although not maybe specifically in the way I thought it would be. My goal throughout most of this year was to use Equilab more often and preferably through every ride. I do still sort of want to use it but I have some issues with it including that I don’t have a good way to carry my phone and, while I’d love to keep ride notes in there as well, I’ve really been trying to get away from my phone especially at the barn. It also wears the battery down pretty quick since my phone is old and if I had to choose between that and listening to music, I’d rather listen to music.

Instead, what’s worked really well for me is the planner I’ve been keeping. It’s called a Clever Fox planner and I like the formatting a lot. It’s the first planner I’ve actually had that works for my brain. I’ve managed to keep up on it and track throughout most of the year, however, it’s been more about planning out a schedule ahead of time, tracking when I’m actually at the barn, and taking some minimal notes about what the ride/training was like. I’m looking at other options for taking more detailed notes this next year including a more specific riding journal or figuring out using the Equilab.

The amazing deal of the century were these two Pikeur show shirts for $5 each

Spend Less/Budget Better/Pay Down Debt:
This was also a huge success this year! Not only have I not been using a credit card at all for any purchases but between myself and my boyfriend we’ve managed to put together a down payment for a house in about 5 months while also paying down credit card debt. This is HUGE for me and I’m so happy that, thanks to my boyfriend, I’ve found a system for budgeting that works for me. I’m also planning out the next few years budget for paying down the rest of my high interest debt and actually being able to afford, not “afford”, a truck and trailer.

Get a New Job:
Big success. I not only found a job, it’s a job I’m really enjoying with a great boss and a much more equitable income for my skill level and experience.

Cuddling Connor <3

Dressage Lessons/Clinics:
I’d mark this as sort of a success. I took advantage, as much as I could, of taking lessons from K while she was still at my previous barn and then did two clinic rides with her trainer. Those were fantastic rides and I learned a lot. However, now despite having access to a trainer I think my goals have shifted slightly and I’m hoping to be able to trailer out to one of 2-3 trainers for lessons each month or two during the summer when the weather is such that the roads are safe.

I’m not sure what that means for next year since I’m fairly certain that I won’t own my own truck and trailer.

Vary the Work:
I’d say this is also sort of a success. I found a trail ride buddy at the old barn and we had a couple of great mini trail rides between both of us struggling with mental health stuff and a very hot and humid summer. I also did a bunch of work in hand, ground poles, and learned some new groundwork exercises. Also, just in terms of keeping the work fresh, Katai hasn’t been working so there’s that…

Show:
Nope! I’ll leave it at that.

Get Back in Shape:
No :( This was a very achievable goal but it didn’t happen. I’m still out of shape, weaker than I want to be and way less fit plus I have weight to lose. I am working on it now and I’m feeling really committed to making this happen.

Blog More:
I mean technically I’ve blogged more this year than last year but only by a bit so I’m not going to count that as a true success since my goal was to get back to posting at least 10-15 times per month.

Another Insta Stories Video

Things That Weren’t on My List

Relaxation:
I had a couple of realizations with this over 2019. The first was working with K’s trainer in April when she told me that “until you get the relaxation you can’t get anything else” which was basically to say that Katai is fantastic and very talented but in order to progress we needed to work on relaxation first and foremost. I’ve never had an instructor bring that up before but I agree wholeheartedly. I spent most of the rides following that working on relaxation and was making a ton of headway so I’m looking forward to getting back to that.

In addition, regarding relaxation on the ground I had the realization when waiting for the vet in November that my anxiety has been the main cause of ground work related issues. Katai is SUPER well trained and light to lead, she stays out of your personal space, and responds to just intention even if you need her to back up or pivot around. I’ve never handled another horse that’s as responsive and polite as she is to handle.

However, if her adrenaline is up her brain shuts off and there is almost zero ability to influence her unless you are absolutely being way overbearing. At that point she starts invading personal space, running into you with her head and neck, rearing up while tied or even in hand, and making stupid decisions like trying to bolt. I’ve approached that as a training gap but it is absolutely an anxiety related issue instead which is helpful from an awareness perspective and also good motivation for me to do some work to improve my ability to manage my anxiety.

The mare bear herd :)

Grooming:
I got a new clipper I really like so my body clip looks much more professional. I’ve also been getting her cleaned up more often if she has manure or urine on her back legs even if it takes a mini sponge bath to do so. It’s her least favorite thing but having the heated barn with a hose and warm water makes this possible again.

Heat:
Yes, moving to the barn was 100% the right thing both for my mental health (great people!!!) but also for my physical health (it’s warm!!!). It makes it take way less motivation to go out to the barn and I can be out there when it’s really cold, just not necessarily if it’s snowy so at least I’m missing fewer days which was the goal.

There are many things I won't miss from our apartment
but I will miss this view from our rooftop

Settling In:
Something I haven't written about much is how much things have changed for me in the past year in regards to really settling in vs. always having my foot out the door on everything. I've always wanted to live in a different state, for example, which led to me always having that in the back of my mind with every decision I made. It meant that I never really committed to friendships, jobs, or relationships. I also didn't feel like I could make big decisions because I wasn't sure how things would change in the future. Meeting my boyfriend and having him know what he wants (where he wants to live which is local and that he is a city boy) really made me re-look at my motivation around moving etc.

Doing that, meant that I realized that I don't actually care that much about living somewhere else and that I'm truly ok with boarding for the rest of my life instead of owning my own farm. These things meant that instead of whining about things like the weather and dreaming of living somewhere else I'm just able to buckle down and find creative solutions to those complaints. I've also been committing to friendships, settling into the work I'm doing at my job (and envisioning a career there), and really trying to find my place in the local community (both horse related and social).

It has felt so good and like the No Excuses goal, even if this were the only thing that came from this year it would feel like a huge success.

Dancing in the Shit Show

*To preface this post, Katai's abscess burst!!!! Now onto your regularly(?) scheduled programing*

Back in August I wrote a post that I called Dancing in the Rain about how I was continuing to try despite lots of chaos in my life. Now in December I feel like the chaos and stress has increased but I’ve managed to keep dancing. You can find the August post here if you’re wondering what I’m talking about.

The end of this year has not been kind to Katai and myself. After the move Katai clearly wasn’t herself and I think that the significance of the change just affected her more than I ever thought it would. It showed up in sensitive feet, then ulcers, then thrush, and then an abscess (the first she’s ever had). Some of these are probably directly related to the move and the change in her living situation but some of them probably were random occurrences that just happened at the wrong time. I’ve complained on here quite a bit about it but outside of the blog I’ve been really proud of the way that I’ve just dug in and worked hard to find fixes despite these things happening.

Some days I feel like she just loves messing with me

When I figured out Katai had ulcers for example I dropped everything else in my personal life and started going to the barn every day, rain or shine, despite if I was exhausted, stressed, anxious, or had other things going on. I made it out 35 days in a row with no break before missing 2 days due to a snow storm and Thanksgiving. I’m still going out every day but at this point I’ve missed a couple more days because of dangerous roads (even with snow tires my Smartcar isn’t great on the freeway if the roads are slippery).

That 35 days in a row taught me a lot about what I’m actually capable of and it was so helpful for my motivation. Things were getting done on a regular basis including getting Katai her supplements, treating her feet for thrush, grooming her and cleaning up her back legs when she was in heat, and of course getting her meds. Then, during this, when she had her abscess I was out every day to give her bute, check on her, make sure she was safe and get a feeling for if she was improving or not. There have also been other things like asking other people to help give meds during snowy days and sticking with poulticing and wrapping her hind left foot despite the fact that she likes to try to kick me with that leg and didn’t like being doctored.

In other news, I rescued this young lady from being tangled in her blanket.
She was down and thrashing when I got to the barn and I was able to rescue her

While this isn’t how I’ve wanted to spend the last few months I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about Katai, and have continued to build strong relationships with the other people at the barn because I’m seeing them all the time. Hopefully this will all pay off and now, over the next few weeks, I’ll be able to get back to a regular riding schedule. This ability to make it out every day has helped me figure out how to prioritize with a partner and has taught me the importance of going out when I can, even if I don’t want to, so that when I can’t go out it isn’t as big of impact.

Thank You!

Thank you all so much for your messages and positive thoughts. I'm really really really really really really really really really really really really really happy to update everyone that what looked like an upper limb (stifle) injury to at least 5-7 people at the barn was diagnosed as an abscess by the vet yesterday.

*happy dance*

The vet was also relieved and I got a high five :) I'm following his treatment recommendation and hoping we can get this thing out asap so that she isn't in pain for too long but mostly I'm just really glad that she's going to be ok, make a full recovery, and not have any major lasting soundness concerns from this.

It was this very swollen leg (pre fantastical duct tape boot) that gave the vet a clue that it might actually be an abscess and, indeed, when he did the recheck on Wednesday this week he was able to find the sore spot with hoof testers.

The very ouchy leg.

Of course now it seems silly that I was so worried but seriously, everyone I trust including the vet and L thought it was upper leg and specifically stifle. When the vet checked her the first time he couldn't find a reactive spot on her foot and agreed that it looked like upper leg.

I'm just so happy right now and Katai is happy because she's back out with her mares and back on our regular schedule of grain, meds, and attention every day. It's probably been this all along and we just weren't able to diagnosis but I sort of feel like it was a little bit of birthday/Christmas magic thanks to all of your positive messages and thoughts <3

Jingles

Not of the Christmas kind. I made it out to the barn tonight after not being able to go Wednesday (snowstorm) and Thursday (Thanksgiving) and finally trotted Katai in hand. She was super lame, much like last Wednesday the day before the vet got there.

I texted my vet and we had a phone call this evening and he's worried as am I. We have a plan but it includes a much more extensive vet visit and based on Katai's overall lack of improvement so far I'm getting pretty worried that we're looking at something more serious.

If you could send jingles, prayers, positive thoughts, or whatever that would be very appreciated.

After the vet call I walked next door to the park and watched fireworks to distract myself.
My heart wasn't really in it though

Taking Steps

Last grain with bute on Monday!!

I don’t necessarily want or need to share intimate details around the mental health stuff I’ve been working on for the past year or so but this post is about some high level mental health stuff that impacts pony things. I do want to share this level because not only is this a journal for myself about horse stuff and this plays into it but also because maybe someone else out there will gain something from this.

Feel free to skip or read.

I’ve always had pretty high anxiety, ok like really high anxiety. My mom does as well so I’m sure that’s probably part of it. It doesn’t have a hugely visible impact on my day to day in that it’s never negatively impacted my performance at work, I rarely (if ever), make decision based on my anxiety, however, it plays into everything, every day of my life. My way of dealing with it, for lack of having any other answer, has typically been to just force it down and ignore it. For most of my life I’ve thought it was just normal nerves of the type that everyone deals with but it’s come to my attention over the past year that it’s way more than what many people deal with. This led me to seek out therapy. The particular therapist that I was seeing wasn’t a great fit so I’m in the process of finding a different therapist right now but I’m looking forward to learning more about how to manage this.

So, anyone may know the answer to this but how does this relate to pony stuff? I’ve never thought of it as an issue with horse stuff. I’ve never had an issue with fear in the bigger ways that some of my friends have. I’ve had lesson anxiety but that normally goes away once I’m in the saddle so I never really worried about it, and I’ve always thought I was managing it pretty well. Two things happened this past week though that made me take a big step back and realize that I’m just not ok continuing on as is.

Today, snow...

First, on Thursday when the vet was out I was having massive anxiety. I felt almost light headed and definitely nauseous (both normal for me with stuff like the vet visit). If I could have curled up in a tiny ball and let someone else deal with the vet I would have done so. Of course it ended up being ok but I was FREAKING out. I had it tamped down pretty well by the time I got to the barn and brought Katai into the cross ties. I wasn’t thinking about it but Katai was escalating, and escalating. I was standing and talking to someone about the weather (or something else inconsequential) and I looked over to Katai trying to alternate rearing in the cross ties and spinning. Her muscles were all tight and her eyes were huge. There was NO reason for her to do so that day, like any other day where she’s falling asleep in the crossties, other than my anxiety. Plus, then when I handed her off to the assistant (and Katai doesn't like strangers) she was back to being her calm, normal self.

Suddenly I realized that if, in a place that both of us feel safe. A place where Katai is normally quiet and half asleep, she was hose show level escalated, it was entirely related to my anxiety. That means that at shows, where I’ve thought I’ve had a training problem I’ve actually had an anxiety problem. I’ve been walking around thinking that Katai has poor training and poor ground handling at shows and confused because she’s SOOOO good at home and feeling sort of powerless to work on it. I’m sure we’ll have some work to do anyway since new environments do that but the silliness that makes her so tough to handle at shows? Entirely my anxiety. Trailering? Same thing. I know some people say that it’s almost always the person that’s the problem, in this case that is absolutely 100% true. Of course, upon more thought, it may feel like I have it tamped down but Katai and I are very connected and of course when I feel internally like I’m going to die Katai picks that up and also feels like she’s going to die. It’s sort of wonderful in a tragic sort of way.

Second, this weekend I was listening to the Oliva Towers podcast with Jane Pike on cultivating a resilient mindset. I’ll be honest that after my recent therapy experience I was wondering if there was anything to be gained by doing therapy. Then I listened to this podcast and learned more than I ever had from my therapist and decided it wasn’t me, and was more of a mismatch between the two of us. I’m going to be working on some of the things that Jane Pike talked about, and, also working hard to find a therapist that works well for me because I want to improve and help Katai feel better so that we can both have fun at shows.

It’s empowering because it means that by working on that anxiety and finding solutions to that I’ll be solving probably 80% of the handling issue we have at shows where Katai seems to revert to being feral. Then we’ll just have 20% of true training to work on to get her used to calmly following directions in strange places. I know it’s going to be hard work but I’m looking forward to it.

So Lame

The poor lame beast herself

Well, I was really hoping to have a better more positive update but instead I have an update that Katai is very lame. In all the time I’ve owned her she’s had periods where she’s been off but almost never actually been head bobbing lame. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have dodged the bullet this time so in the theme of us just not catching a break…

Two weeks ago I rode three times and she was awesome. Mondays ride was ground pole day with my friend M which I’ve written about. Then Tuesday I had a good, if quiet, ride where she felt a little flat and tired but was sound. On Friday I had a FANTASTIC ride that I was looking forward to blogging about. Her canter felt strong and it felt like she had presence again rather than just being flat and tired. I was so happy and encouraged. I didn’t push her hard any of those days and only rode about 15-25 minutes each day to slowly start building her strength.

Prior to the lameness the boyfriend and I did a road trip to
 Chicago for a live show at the Chicago Theater.

Saturday and Sunday I just fed supplements and treated her feet. I was really happy to feel like I was getting back to consistent rides and looking forward to making more progress the next week. Then on Monday I went out, planning to do a ground pole ride again, but when I went to put her halter on she backed up from the round bale and sort of stumbled on her left hind. My stomach sank immediately.

I got her halter on and walked her up to the barn. I was hoping maybe she had an abscess but she seemed more upset about lifting and moving her leg forward than standing on it (although that seemed uncomfy too). I asked the barn owner and another boarder to give me their opinion while I walked and trotted her in the arena. They thought that, while she was clearly lame, it wasn’t awful and she could have just slipped and pulled something. I asked if she were there horse if they’d call the vet and they said to give it a day or two. Luckily another boarder had the vet coming out that Thursday so I decided to give her Tuesday and then on Wednesday evening have L watch her trot out and make my decision from there. L is experienced with lameness spotting so I figured she could let me know if she thought it was improving enough or not.

I'm loving this gorgeous thing. Review coming soon!

Tuesday I gave ulcer meds and cleaned feet and actually thought she looked slightly better and more confident on her leg. Wednesday evening came and I did supplements and hooves while L finished up a lesson. When L was available I brought in the arena. At the walk L was able to see it but only barely and I started feeling better but then I trotted her and my stomach sank again. She was REALLY off on that hind leg at the trot, worse than on Monday :( L said if it were her she'd call the vet in the next couple of days so I called the vet clinic and get Katai added to the vet’s schedule for the following day. Then I proceeded to FREAK out.

It was awesome to be able to chat with Jen from CobJockey and M from the barn because I just haven’t had to deal with this ever *knocks on wood* On Thursday I literally felt like I was going to throw up and barely made it through the morning without a panic attack. I got to the barn early and brought Katai in to get her cleaned up.

Standing in the barn with her was interesting with where my anxiety was at and I plan to do a separate post on that experience. Eventually though the vet got there, finished pulling coggins on the other horse, and I handed her off to him and his assistant. The vet had her walk and jog and I was relieved to see that she was much better again, even better than Monday from what I could tell. After being a 4/5 lame or so on Wednesday the vet put her at a 1/5 lame at that appointment. He also had me walk and trot her on a small circle where she also didn’t look bad. She didn’t react to hoof testers or any palpation. He thinks, as does L, that it’s something high up potentially in her stifle and is likely soft tissue since she doesn’t have any heat or swelling whatsoever that we can find. It had gotten muddy again a day or so before she hurt herself so I suspect she was running around and either fell or slipped and strained it.

I laugh to keep from crying

His recommendation? Stall or paddock rest for 5-7 days, a steroid injection, and bute for 5 days. I was worried about stall rest because if left alone in a stall with no other horses in the barn she would spin, rear, and try to run in circles around her stall. Luckily I have an awesome barn owner who found me a small paddock for her that is the best of both worlds. I moved her over there on Thursday afternoon and would like to keep her in there through Wednesday and then walk and trot her out for L again on Wednesday evening to see if we need to do further intervention or not. In the meantime she’s getting supplements, ulcer meds, bute, and her feet still treated since we had a warm up and are back to mud again. I also finished her clip finally. The bute will delay her ulcer med plan so I’m going to add a couple more weeks on just to make sure I completely let those heal before I stop her meds.

I’ve got all of my digits crossed that she’ll fully recover by Wednesday and then L and I can make a plan to very slowly and lightly bring her back to work.

Perception

Another boarder with one of our very friendly barn cats

I have previously had a post named perception but it was back in 2017 so I figured I could reuse it at this point lol.

Lots of things have been happening and I've been wanting to blog more but haven't really had much positive to post about. Since there have been so many negative posts recently I decided I was going to wait until I had something more positive to share. I now do! I'm also going to update on some of the other less positive though just because that's important background.

Since my last post I've been able to make it out every single day to give ulcer meds. Tomorrow is the first day I won't be able to but I have someone else set up to give them and if she can't, for some reason, I have three back up people. Have I mentioned how much I love the community at this barn? Tonight is day 22 of the three pill protocol so only about a week left of three pills and then we step down to two pills for 14 days and finally 1 pill for 14 days. While it's been awesome to be out there every day I'm also looking forward to when this is over and I have a little more flexibility in my schedule.

It has proven to me though that most of the days when I "can't" get to the barn are more that I'm telling myself that I can't rather than that I actually can't make it.

Unfortunately not much riding has happened. After the massage, and the following two days off, I rode and thought Katai was slightly off. It was confirmed by a couple of others at the barn but that it was REALLY slight. Some people thought I could still be riding, others didn't and I decided not to push it. Based on how she was off I guessed heel pain and thrush was the most obvious answer. I'd been treating but not very aggressively and we got so much rain for awhile there (seriously we had rain every day for at least a couple of weeks) that the horses were standing in mud 24/7 around the round bale. In the past she would have at least been in a stall overnight where her feet could have dried out a bit but now that she's on pasture board she wasn't even getting that break from the muck. She definitely had thrush in that foot and the deep sand footing was likely putting pressure on it and making her ouchy.

Tiny car getting snow tires

I made myself a timeline where I would call the vet if she didn't improve and treated more aggressively every day (since I was out there anyway...). She remained slightly off up until the day where I was making the decision and then trotted out completely sound. I totally lucked out on the timing! Yesterday I rode a fully sound pony and it was AWESOME! M and I did ground poles (not very successfully on my part) and talked dressage theory. It was 100% lovely and really ignited my motivation again to get some real riding work done. I'm going to join her for ground pole Mondays this winter and then go with her and her horse on trail rides next summer to help with Katai's fitness.

Seriously though, that ride was everything I needed right now. In continuing the theme of nothing going smoothly horse wise we got some snow this past weekend. It was so cold, and no chemicals are on the roads yet so I watched multiple vehicles spin out ahead of me. Luckily I got snow tires on my tiny car on Friday so I was handling it fine but decided that the chances of being taken out by another car were too high so took side roads the rest of the way home.

Coffee at the barn. The light purple dot is Katai

Also on the weekend, my clipper motor finally died. I didn't do a good job with maintenance when I first got it so I wasn't too surprised. It lasted 5 years and I did about 2-3 clips per year so that's around $10-$13 per clip which is still a good value vs. paying someone else. However, I had made it part way through both sides and Katai has lines EVERYWHERE and looks completely moth eaten. Everyone is laughing at her right now. I really do need working clippers especially since the barn and arena here are heated. Luckily I was able to get a lot of hair off (most of one side and some of the other) before it died so while she looks crazy at least she's not overly hot.

I was trying to figure out what to do and then I got the email from Dover about the gift card sale and decided to just go for it. I got a different type of clipper that I think might do better on her super thick coat and picked up some blade wash, a free gift, and got the free $100 gift card that I think I might use on black Friday. I REALLY didn't need to spend the money right now but a clipper is a necessity so oh well.

What I really wanted to post about though is my mood this winter and perception of what the weather is like. Last year I obsessed over the forecast and any day below the mid 20s had me in a bad, or sad, mood. I just couldn't easily keep myself warm at an unheated, uninsulated barn at those temps. In addition, if it snowed my tires couldn't handle it and my car would slide around and be unsafe.

This year I was hearing all these people complaining about the awful weather and felt surprised. I wasn't even paying attention and then when I looked I realized that it was already in the teens. that is REALLY cold for even us at this point in the year but I just didn't care. I'm not even joining in other people's whining because I feel great! It may be cold going from the car to work, or the car to the barn and sure it's cold when I catch my pony but I have a nice warm sanctuary to escape to so I just don't care. It's so completely wonderful that I've been in a great mood this year and just am not dealing with as much depression since I get my barn time. It's lovely.

I'll share more about my plans to get Katai and myself fit and back on track soon!

Protocol

Back to warm, sunny days where progress was being made.

As mentioned in my previous post I'm doing some problem solving right now with what's going on with Katai. I think that mainly it was stress related and from a big change in her living conditions but there have been small things going on with her here and there so it made sense to just relook at what I'm doing and consider some additional options to make sure she's feeling her best.

First, was ulcer treatment. I started out with UlcerGuard because she was refusing to eat her supplements, and therefore the Nexium pills, but the plan was always to go back to Nexium for the majority of the treatment because of the cost effectiveness and past treatment effectiveness of this for Katai.

After the complicated musical cars process of giving away the half bag of alfalfa pellets I cleared the space in my car and picked up a bag of Senior. I don't love feeding Katai grain but a few handfuls won't hurt and if it's palatable enough that she'll then eat the important supplements and ulcer meds I'm all for it. Luckily it has been working and she's eating it so I didn't just buy a 50# bag of gran for nothing haha.

Unfortunately for me and my personal life the Nexium pills need to be fed daily in order to be effective. I'm following the protocol of 3 pills for 28 days, then 2 pills for 14 days, then 1 pill for 14 days to hopefully not cause a spike in stomach acid. I'm on day 11 right now and that means that this will go into December. I'll be honest, it's a lot to try to get to the barn every single day but I've been successful for the past week. In looking ahead it looks like I'll be able to make it out every day through November except for 1-2 where I'm going to try to get a fellow boarder to give her the meds. This would be much easier on stall board but oh well we'll get there soon enough :)

I also mentioned making a change in other supplements in my previous post. Up until now she's been getting four supplements with California Trace as the main vitamin supplement. CA Trace doesn't have enough vitamin E so she's getting that as well as an Ulcer preventative and Magnesium since CA Trace doesn't have enough of that either. The new supplement has some coverage for all of the above so, while it's a bit more expensive, I will be saving a small amount with just feeding that one supplement rather than all four others. Mostly though it has additional Copper, Zinc, probiotics, biotin, some anti inflammatory stuff, and enough Magnesium and other vitamins and minerals that she's getting now. It's meant for hoof health but also to support the metabolism which are both of Katai's problem areas. Also, since there is just less stuff that I need her to eat I'm hoping it will go down easier with the handful of senior. I also went back to Smartpaks just to make life easier and because there was a small additional cost savings which was awesome. She's starting with a loading dose per the instructions. Once I figure out how this is working I'll do more of a post on what I'm trying.

Most recent riding picture I have :/

To address any body soreness she also got a massage last Monday. The massage person, named Dave, was awesome and came highly recommended from M (the friend who referred me to this barn). I REALLY liked him and, while Katai was a little defensive, he was getting lots of releases. He has rehabilitated a couple of horses at the barn and the work he does is more sports massage based. He did some myofascial type work as well as traditional massage and spent some time working on some specific pressure points. The only thing he really noted was that her hamstrings were tight. We both thought it could potentially be the mud and just the transition from stall to pasture.

He also agreed that just the stress of the move likely caused some ulcers but seemed pleased with her condition and musculature overall. He was also great to talk to about the lack of riding recently and felt that I was following a good protocol in getting the Ulcer meds started and giving her a chance to heal a bit before I went back to doing much riding.

Now she gets two days off, including today and tomorrow, where I'll just go out to give her meds, supplements, put thrush stuff in her feet, and probably hand walk her a bit. The plan then is to ride on Thursday and see how she's doing. Hopefully all of this will pay off and she'll be feeling comfortable and fit :)

What I HAVE Been Doing

Missing my former coach right now.

With all of my whining about what I can't do, ride and just have a nice easy month where things go well, I have been working hard in the background. With the help of my support system I've really changed my mindset over the past few months from just feeling defeated to actually making some pretty big changes to how I function.

I've always been good at self advocating, having boundaries, making time for self care etc. but sometimes if things aren't going well, or I feel like they aren't going well, I swing too far and just stop doing anything productive. That wasn't such an issue when my life was boring but now as I have more adulting to do it's been really affecting my ability to function. Instead I've started to focus on what I can do and to just chip away at small things as I can vs. being such a perfectionist and just not doing anything since I'm unable to do it the way I want.

I've already claimed a corner of the basement in our new house and I want to do something like this plus some shelves and a storage container for grain. I can't wait to set up my little tack space!

With this last month or so of unhappy Katai I've done a few things including getting her on Ulcerguard over the past few days, getting her scheduled for a massage on Monday, and looking at her diet and making some adjustments. These all cost money and I've been really good at budgeting but in this case I decided that throwing some money at the problem was warranted. Even better, because of this change I'll likely be saving money on supplements long term and I've gone from 4 supplements down to, likely, just one. I'm going to trial it for two months, one month of loading dose and one month of the regular dose, and see how she's doing. Fingers crossed it helps with some of the tummy and hoof things she's struggled with. I'll update on how that goes once I know more.

I was also struggling to get Katai to eat her supplements. I think part of this was an ulcer flair but, tbh, she's never loved eating just her small pile of supplements (and I can't blame her because they smell like vitamins) it's just that when she had all night in a stall to eat them she'd eventually finish them off. I don't have all night to wait with her when I'm there. In the past I would have just thrown my hands in the air and given up but instead I checked with a couple of people at the barn to see if they wanted the remainder of the alfalfa pellets that I have to store in my car (since I wasn't feeding them anyway) and found someone who did. I arranged a complicated game of musical car storage for them and then stopped and picked up a bag of senior feed. Sure enough, last night when I gave her the supplements with a couple of handfuls of senior she gobbled them down and licked her bucket clean.

Really thankful that Katai's mane has grown back in!
Now hopefully I can keep it from getting like this again through the winter.
Also thankful she doesn't need to crane her neck to eat her supplements anymore :)

I've also been asking for help more both in my personal life and at the barn. At the barn I vented a bit to a fellow rider and then based on her response asked some questions about horse care stuff. She was really helpful and is in agreement with me that Katai is just taking awhile to adjust. She agreed that some Ulcerguard and just more time were what was needed. That along with T's comment on my last post about her ponies also having sore feet and some text conversations with Jen have helped me feel like this isn't that unusual and it's going to be ok. I just stacked the deck against us when I moved her during this weather change.

Flat drylot

For some perspective, before with stall board she was in from around 5:00pm to about 7:00-7:30am so for about 14+ hours she was in her 12x12 stall. When she went out it was into a fairly large, but flat, dry lot where the horses ate and then stood around a lot. Now she's out 24/7 in a pasture with hills and a slightly larger group of horses that do more moving around. When we moved, her saddle was sitting slightly low in front and I was shimming it because she'd lost topline without consistent work over the summer. Now, with almost no riding, her saddle is sitting even and definitely doesn't need shims. That isn't due to fat at all since her girth is still going up to the same space, I can still feel her last rib or two, and she visually doesn't have a belly at all. The only explanation I have is that she's out moving around, running around, and doing her own hill work and that's why I'm guessing there's some muscle soreness/tiredness.

One small portion of the pasture.
It continues to slope up to the right and this is about a third of the total space.

Last night I went to the barn after a work meeting. It was cold, I didn't have any dinner so needed to stop and wait in line forever (food is the worst) and was just over everything when I got to the barn. I figured I'd just give her Ulcerguard and her supplements and leave. I went in the barn, not even planning to change out of my work clothes, BUT I saw someone else clipping and decided that I was just going to stick with it and do it. I changed to barn clothes, got the pony, and started clipping her. I was about a square foot into it with an almost new set of clipper blades when they just completely stopped working. In the past I would have just packed up and left and ordered a new blade but instead I asked the other boarder who was clipping for help. She, low and behold, works as a dog groomer and has a TON of knowledge of clippers. She helped me figure out how to change out my blade drive and then when that didn't work lent me a set of her blades (which happened to fit my clipper) so that I could finish. She was so lovely and helpful about it that it was a good learning for me.

From pictures like (from the old barn) this I can tell that she's really getting her
muscle back at the new barn despite not much riding

Because of that perseverance I now have a clipped pony who is actually eating her important supplements and who is on the path to an ulcer free existence. I'm hoping that with some additional ulcer guard, being back on her tummy supplements, and the massage on Monday she'll be on the right track. I'm also hoping that the hoof supplement gets here today, or tomorrow, so that I can get her started on that and see if that does anything. Hopefully we can be fully back on track in the next week or so and I can reschedule the lesson I needed to cancel this week!