A Kick in The Pants

Winter is always tough on my motivation. The seasonal change is the worst but the depression and headaches that always gives me seems to be over this year which is amazing. The winter is just tough because of the dark and cold.

At my previous barn it wasn't so bad since it was kept much warmer, closer to 50-60* so as soon as I got to the barn I was comfy and could wear just a light jacket. This barn is much chillier and probably kept closer to 32* just so it doesn't freeze. Certainly not complaining but as a huge freeze baby I have to admit that it's been tougher to make myself go to the barn this year.

Especially when we have weeks like this in early December

I've still been to the barn 3-4 days a week but I'm still aiming for 5 so that's a big difference. However on Tuesday H was able to make it to my lesson and it was an interesting evening that somehow left me feeling more motivated.

To start this off I want to preface by saying that I love H. She's been a friend since I was in my teens and she's really a good person. I really enjoy spending time with her especially since both of us are into dressage ponies so we have a lot to talk about. The thing is though, that she brings out all of my insecurities. That's not her fault but mine for letting who she is get into my head. 

H is really a triple threat, she's gorgeous, petit, a beautiful rider, and (the toughest for me to deal with) she rides at an absolutely amazing barn with an absolutely amazing instructor where she regularly gets the opportunity to bop around on a 4 year old Gold Premium filly, a schoolmaster(ish) level horse, and ride with clinicians like Janet Foy.

It's not the fact that I feel insecure around her because I really don't and we both have our own strengths. It's more that I'm jealous of her opportunities. Even as a kid she had a well trained pony, good instruction, and a trailer when I had a green broke and naughty horse that had only been on trail rides, no good instruction, and no trailer so no way to show or take lessons since there weren't any trainers nearby that had lesson horses. Every time I'm around her it's tough for me not to wish I had had the same opportunities in the past and that I could have the same opportunities now since I still don't have a trailer or a trainer who regularly shows throughout our region.

Don't get me wrong. At this point I would never trade and lesson with her instructor (who's a well known dressage judge) instead of Jane. He is amazing but I am at exactly the right place for me and Katai right now and  I wouldn't move even if I could. It's just tough every time I see or hear about her scribing and/or showing at large rated dressage shows and talking about all of the quirky show things or partying with our regions top riders after the show.

This time was especially difficult on me because her instructor, who's also a well respected breeder (as you can tell since he has a 4 year old Gold Premium filly that I believe he produced), has recently purchased no fewer than SIX GRPs. Two are older (3 and 6 I believe), four of them are just babies, and H will have the chance to play with, help break, train, and ride all of those gorgeous ponies. 

One of them in particular hurts because she's a Golden State baby (from the same barn/lines(?) as Forest Nymph) who I was drooling over for weeks before I heard she went to H's trainer. Of course I'm glad she's in such a good home and excited to meet her at some point but it still stings a bit. The fact that H was talking about all the ways that her trainer thinks this pony might be lacking for upper level dressage (obviously extremely nit-picky things since he has a Gold Premium baby) made it sting more especially since I have an amazing but free pony, with no specific breeding, no traceable bloodlines, and not even close to "fancy" movement. Insecurities talking again of course since I CERTAINLY wouldn't trade Katai even if the pony were offered to me tomorrow for free. Katai is amazing, she's my girl and my partner and she's really what I want.

Galaxie from Pics Of You Videos on Vimeo.

In the end, after already feeling like H had been a bit condescending about my ride during my lesson (those damn insecurities talking again) I had an emotional drive home. I was completely aware of how silly I'm being. I mean talk about a bunch of first world problems! I have a pony I adore, a trainer I love, and a barn that felt like home the moment I walked through the door and here I'm disappointed that I'm not at a show barn and don't have a 5 figure GRP. Even I know it's funny, it's the fact that H has all of that and she's about 6 years younger than me that leaves me feeling like all the air got knocked out of me.

I processed the whole way home coming up with all of the above conclusions and finally, about 10 minutes from home realized that action is the best thing. Instead of feeling jealous or less motivated I need to just get my butt to the barn, work extremely hard and make opportunities for myself. I need to stop allowing myself to run out of motivation and go to the barn 3-4 days a week and just go and ride my pony! I need to start working out again so that I have the strength to give her a good ride (I died a bit at my lesson on Tuesday which didn't help), and I need to make getting a trailer this year a priority. This isn't about saving up and getting a fancy pony for me (even though I want(ed) Galaxy so badly that it hurts), it's really about wanting more opportunities. Not to win, but at least to get out there and show and to continue to climb up the levels and that's something I just need to work for.

My Anchor

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday on my way home from work, the week of Thanksgiving, by text. I'd had a gut feeling for the past two weeks that something was going on but I never thought it was that. I feel completely blindsided especially because I truly loved the guy and there was no indication that he didn't love me. He was still looking at me with gooey eyes, holding me close, kissing me on the top of the head, pulling me onto his lap on the couch when we were watching a movie together and we were having fun in bed.

I really didn't see it coming.

I did get him to admit that he "bumped into someone else and just went crazy" so whether it was someone he knew from before or just someone new I'll never know. I'm completely positive that he broke up with me because the relationship wasn't new and exciting anymore.

I'd rather never pull my outside life into my horse blog but this relationship has been so important to me and such a wonderful thing that I need to address it and mostly I needed to say that Katai is truly my anchor.

Tonight it was cold and dark out and I was sad and wanted nothing more than to go home, curl up in a little ball and cry but I wanted so badly to see Katai's fluffy ears, to hear her high little whinny when she sees my car because she knows that I'm there for her, and to put on her nice warm blanket to protect her from the cold. I even missed my turn on the way home from work because I was too lost in thought so I went the long way to the barn and sure enough she greeted me with a whinny.

I love her so much and this actually came at something close to the right time, if there is such a thing, because things have been going so well with her. I have been spending so much time at the barn that when I saw the text one of my first thoughts, after how could this be happening, was that at least I would get to spend more time at the barn with my pony.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now other than spend time at the barn. I didn't just loose my boyfriend I feel like I lost my best friend, or at least my best human friend.

Tonight I had nowhere near the mental capacity to ride. I brought Katai into the arena, out of the wind, and free lunged her over some jumps. She was full of herself and snorting smoke in the cold air, doing her best to make me laugh so for a little while I forgot about stupid boys and enjoyed my girl. When she was done I fed her her grain, put on her nice fluffy blanket and cried into her mane for awhile. She was calm and patient and wise way beyond her six years and wrapped her neck around me.

I needed my night with her tonight and I'll need my time with her this week more than every. I'm so glad that I have such a true friend.