Taking Steps

Last grain with bute on Monday!!

I don’t necessarily want or need to share intimate details around the mental health stuff I’ve been working on for the past year or so but this post is about some high level mental health stuff that impacts pony things. I do want to share this level because not only is this a journal for myself about horse stuff and this plays into it but also because maybe someone else out there will gain something from this.

Feel free to skip or read.

I’ve always had pretty high anxiety, ok like really high anxiety. My mom does as well so I’m sure that’s probably part of it. It doesn’t have a hugely visible impact on my day to day in that it’s never negatively impacted my performance at work, I rarely (if ever), make decision based on my anxiety, however, it plays into everything, every day of my life. My way of dealing with it, for lack of having any other answer, has typically been to just force it down and ignore it. For most of my life I’ve thought it was just normal nerves of the type that everyone deals with but it’s come to my attention over the past year that it’s way more than what many people deal with. This led me to seek out therapy. The particular therapist that I was seeing wasn’t a great fit so I’m in the process of finding a different therapist right now but I’m looking forward to learning more about how to manage this.

So, anyone may know the answer to this but how does this relate to pony stuff? I’ve never thought of it as an issue with horse stuff. I’ve never had an issue with fear in the bigger ways that some of my friends have. I’ve had lesson anxiety but that normally goes away once I’m in the saddle so I never really worried about it, and I’ve always thought I was managing it pretty well. Two things happened this past week though that made me take a big step back and realize that I’m just not ok continuing on as is.

Today, snow...

First, on Thursday when the vet was out I was having massive anxiety. I felt almost light headed and definitely nauseous (both normal for me with stuff like the vet visit). If I could have curled up in a tiny ball and let someone else deal with the vet I would have done so. Of course it ended up being ok but I was FREAKING out. I had it tamped down pretty well by the time I got to the barn and brought Katai into the cross ties. I wasn’t thinking about it but Katai was escalating, and escalating. I was standing and talking to someone about the weather (or something else inconsequential) and I looked over to Katai trying to alternate rearing in the cross ties and spinning. Her muscles were all tight and her eyes were huge. There was NO reason for her to do so that day, like any other day where she’s falling asleep in the crossties, other than my anxiety. Plus, then when I handed her off to the assistant (and Katai doesn't like strangers) she was back to being her calm, normal self.

Suddenly I realized that if, in a place that both of us feel safe. A place where Katai is normally quiet and half asleep, she was hose show level escalated, it was entirely related to my anxiety. That means that at shows, where I’ve thought I’ve had a training problem I’ve actually had an anxiety problem. I’ve been walking around thinking that Katai has poor training and poor ground handling at shows and confused because she’s SOOOO good at home and feeling sort of powerless to work on it. I’m sure we’ll have some work to do anyway since new environments do that but the silliness that makes her so tough to handle at shows? Entirely my anxiety. Trailering? Same thing. I know some people say that it’s almost always the person that’s the problem, in this case that is absolutely 100% true. Of course, upon more thought, it may feel like I have it tamped down but Katai and I are very connected and of course when I feel internally like I’m going to die Katai picks that up and also feels like she’s going to die. It’s sort of wonderful in a tragic sort of way.

Second, this weekend I was listening to the Oliva Towers podcast with Jane Pike on cultivating a resilient mindset. I’ll be honest that after my recent therapy experience I was wondering if there was anything to be gained by doing therapy. Then I listened to this podcast and learned more than I ever had from my therapist and decided it wasn’t me, and was more of a mismatch between the two of us. I’m going to be working on some of the things that Jane Pike talked about, and, also working hard to find a therapist that works well for me because I want to improve and help Katai feel better so that we can both have fun at shows.

It’s empowering because it means that by working on that anxiety and finding solutions to that I’ll be solving probably 80% of the handling issue we have at shows where Katai seems to revert to being feral. Then we’ll just have 20% of true training to work on to get her used to calmly following directions in strange places. I know it’s going to be hard work but I’m looking forward to it.

Show Plans!!!

Dreaming of these days hard core right now

I am SO thrilled that I can actually make a plan about this for this year!

Tentative Plans:

Bara Trac I & I Too - May 26th and 27th

Dressage at Alpine I & II - June 9th and 10th

Or;

Dressage Lite I & II (I think, there are a couple of shows being talked about in this timeframe)

Can't believe that Katai might get to meet these two!

National Dressage Pony Cup - July 20th through the 22nd!!!!
- so, so, so thrilled that this is a thing for us this year! The timing for it to be so close is just perfect for us! Now we just need to make sure we're prepared to not make a fool of ourself.

Regionals (of course if we qualify) - September 6th through the 9th

There's at least one other show that we're planning to attend in July but I don't remember which one it was. I believe we'd then have August off and hopefully do regionals in September. We have several more available in this area but there were four plus the NDPC that the barn is planning to haul to. I'll update more once I'm/we're sure which shows we'll be attending this year!

Goals for 2017

Goals for 2017

I'm going to take a crack at this again and will put my big goals for the year here and post more about some of the smaller goals as I go.

Increase Blogging Again

I'd like to post even more this year. Again I'd like to set the goal to post an average of 15 times per month. If I can do that I'll have at least 180 posts next year and that would feel good! I'd also like to increase the number of pictures, increase the quality of my photos, and to do more review posts. Honestly just being able to show more and travel with Katai more would create more interesting things to post about!

This is how Katai feels about having her own trailer

Buy a Trailer

Yes! This is finally on the list. With all of the financial stuff I've been doing including moving to a place with cheaper rent, moving Katai to a barn with cheaper board, and (the surprise blessing of the year) getting rid of my car payments in trade for a slightly uglier car this is finally on the list

Trailer EVERYWHERE

More specifically to shows but I couldn't care less what type of shows they are. There are a lot of "fun shows" in the area that are attended by a more western crowd but with $2-$5 entry fees per class, a relaxed but busy atmosphere it's such a good way to get Katai used to showing just being an ok thing! Of course I also hope to do some dressage shows, trail rides, and hunter paces.

Maybe if we really practice at some point
we can ride here, at the KY Horse Park!

Ride in Another Dressage Clinic

I'm hoping that towards the end of the year Katai will be comfortable enough with trailering that I could think about riding in another dressage clinic. I'm not in any hurry because I'm just learning so, so, so much right now from Jane but I just enjoy participating in things like that and hope that I can do occasional clinics moving forward.

2nd Level Goals

We're working on some of the movements from 2nd level and I have complete confidence that even if our progress hits a huge wall (and I know it will stall out at some point here) we'll be able to ride all of the 2nd level movements by the end of the year. Not sure that showing 2nd this year is a doable goal but I'd like to be completing all the movements at home even if they aren't all pretty :)

2015 Goals - Here We Go!

Some of these goals or ideas have been floating around in my head for so long that it feels amazing to finally be sharing them. Last year I didn't really have any official goals and things were so up and down with Katai that I didn't feel like I could make any. First there was the fact that at this point last year she was so green that we were really just trotting (and that wasn't pretty) and walking and I had no real steering most of the time. Then there was the fact that I don't think I really felt like she was mine, I hadn't really committed to her which made it tough to make any plans. Plus I was at a tiny barn with no way to really take lessons or get any help with anything when I felt stuck.

This year is already starting off way different and I have to admit that I am extremely excited about what 2015 will bring in both my horsie life and my personal/professional life but enough blabbing, time to get on with it!

Goals for Katai:

1. Increase fitness/strength/flexibility

 

- get chiropractic done at least three times in 2015

- get at least three massages in 2015

- start serious fitness training as soon as it's not slippery out to include canter sets

- cross train - add cavaletti by February and small jumps by the end of summer

- add more structured lunging - at least 3-4 times per month

2. Show Pony

- practice with show environments by trailering off property at least five times this year

- show in three dressage schooling shows with at least one at training level

- continue with clipper desensitization

- perfect trailer loading

- ride in one clinic - can be any discipline

- perfect standing tied to the trailer

- get used to riding around other horses and busy warm up areas

3. Dressage Skillz

- nicer canter transitions (no more ear pinz and less choppy trotting) by the end of March

- better bend at all gaits to the left

- more understanding of whip cues - not over react or ignore - by the middle of the year

- listen to outside leg cues

- get a halt that regularily lasts at least 20 seconds by the end of February

- understand all three intro tests by the end of April

- begin trying or hoof at training level tests by the end of May

4. Miscellaneous  

- stay still for mounting

- gain trail riding experience both by ourselves and with others - get outside and ride trails at least 3-4 times per month

Goals for Me:

1. Increase fitness/strength/flexibility

- find a good yoga class and go at least twice per month

- get regular massages to help with physical things

- run in at least one 5K by the end of April (providing I can find one and the weather isn't too horrible), one 10K by the end of June, and Ragnar (total of about 13 miles) again in the late summer

- lose 15 - 20 more pounds

2. Riding Goals

- learn to weight each seatbone as needed - default to even (I sit much more on the right)

- find someone to take regular lessons with by the end of February

- take regular lessons - at least once per month

- learn to keep my lower leg back on a regular basis

- practice a more proper arm position

- regain jumping skills :-)

- gain miles in the saddle

- ride different horses

- renew my subscription to Dressage Today and read every article 

3. Show Human

- put together at least one set of show clothes (schooling show appropriate) including a pair of tall boots

- determine which schooling shows to attend and get signed up

- memorize intro tests by the end of May

- find transportation to shows

4. Miscellaneous 

- get a new job and move to a metro location (more on this in a future post)

- save up and purchase a saddle that fits both of us better

- take more and better pictures and videos

- read and review a horse book every month

- do a better job of journaling my riding in my blog

- make good turnout a habit (pretend I'm getting ready to ride for George Morris everyday lol)

- update the name of this blog (I promise it will be the last time)

I'm going to follow up on goals at the end of every month and be ready to adjust at that point, either add more or take some away.

  

Christmas Vacation

I am SO happy to be able to say that the next six days are all my own. Yay for Christmas vacation!! I'm doing Christmas shopping tomorrow and then the next two days I get to do whatever I want which of course means riding. Then Tuesday and Christmas Eve I'll spend with my family.

Things have been weird recently. I've decided to end the relationship I'm in and it's been a tough decision. For better or worse I've been thinking about this person constantly and wanting to be with him for the past year and a half so it's really weird to be leaving him. So far I strangely haven't been at all emotional but I have felt completely emotionally exhausted. Part of that is probably because it is our busiest time at work and we are understaffed anyway. I've been putting in extremely long days and working my butt off the entire time I'm there pretty much never leaving my desk. At any rate I feel like I've been lost in a fog whenever I'm not at work and the extent of my motivation is to get home and collapse on the couch to watch Netflix which is unusual for me.

That has meant that my week was pretty devoid of riding as I skipped the barn Sunday through Wednesday. I did make it out there yesterday and today and I already started feeling a little bit better the moment I stepped into the barn and smelled that incredible horse smell.

Yesterday it was rough to get anything done because there was a group lesson with three people. I swear this instructor tries to have her riders interfere with me but maybe it's just that I was spoiled at the dressage barn with everyone riding in 20 meter circles. There it was like a dance and I carefully kept out of people's way. Here I do my best to stay at the opposite end of the arena but the second I start working she directs one of the riders over to where I'm riding and tells them to canter or something. Just seems a little odd and I spend my whole ride trying to avoid getting creamed by their thoroughbreds. Add to that the fact that one girl clucked through pretty much the entire lesson which made Katai think canter and it was a bit of a rough ride.

Tonight I got the arena to myself and it was awesome! Don't get me wrong, I'd much rather ride with other people and at the previous barn I actually was happy when I saw someone in the arena but here that's not the case. Oh well, at some point it will warm up outside and then there will be something like five arenas to choose from as well as trails and a track. With the arena to myself I started out at the walk and worked more on leg yielding as well as shoulder in. She is getting SO good at it and was even maintaining her rhythm and balance better. After that we worked on trotting and then did a canter in each direction and called it a night. 

           Unfortunately this is a throughobred breeding barn in KY and not where I board.

I can say that both myself and Katai seem to be complete stall board converts. I have never had her more calm, relaxed or happy. Her entire attitude has changed and she is just so relaxed and quiet and happy when I get to the barn as well as happy to go back into her stall after a ride. She's had shavings on her belly more than once so I'm sure she's been laying down and she seems to be keeping the stall extremely neat and pooping only in one small corner. Her hooves continue to look better and stay nice and dry and clean. 

She has been so quiet and calm that I'm actually struggling, for the first time, to keep her in front of my leg. She does go forward when I ask but it can be inconsistent and sometimes when I ask she just keeps slogging along at whatever speed she's currently at. Right now I'm just glad that she's not so tense and panicky that everything I do makes her race away. I'm ok with this problem for the time being as she is seriously doing SO much better than she was two months ago. 

I CAN'T wait to do a show or two this summer :)

Goal Oriented

I’ve always been someone who sets goals for myself. It started with my mom pushing us when we were little and learning to play the piano, she wanted us to all be professional musicians and two of my sisters will be, and has carried on from there. I’ve always had goals around my career in HR, some assumed and simple, others more difficult that I have to work towards, and I’ve met or surpassed them all so far. However, things with horses have always been different for me. It started with the fact that we had so few extra resources as we were growing up, I got my first horse when I was 12 years old, that even owning a horse was difficult and there was no way we could afford a trailer, lessons, or appropriate tack. Because of that they always had to be just fun and that carried on as I grew up partially because after being pushed so hard by my mom to compete and be competitive with music I had lost my taste for it with the horses. They were my escape, my fun and the best therapy ever.

Now though, things have changed. I chose to change my career from music to an office job so that I could have horses and be more serious about riding, owning and training them. I have always wanted to be more competitive than I was and now that I’m making a better living it’s something that I can actually pursue in the way I want. Because I changed my career at least partially for horses I feel like I have almost an obligation to myself to pursue this at least for awhile.

I do have realistic expectations though. I’ve been riding since I was 12 and I can stick to anything, have shown a couple of times, had some excellent lessons and trained three ponies, before Katai, that all ended up as children’s’ first ponies. I am great with groundwork and making horses/ponies into safe, excellent citizens that are safe to ride while not teaching them any habits that would be hard to break for any discipline. However, I do still consider myself an intermediate rider and know that to reach any goals with Dressage I will need lots of lessons and hard work. I’ve had so many hurdles in the past such as the lack of resources and time that I haven’t made it as far as I would have liked but I’ve also always known that as soon as I could get a good job it would be completely within reach. When I acquired Katai I looked ahead and knew that I was getting close. I had my dream pony and a new job was within reach.

I took a couple of Dressage lessons that winter and although I couldn’t afford many I learned a lot. I had already lost some weight but during the course of the winter I lost more and brought my total to 45 pounds. I started running, something I NEVER thought I would be able to do, and now run over a mile consistently with the goal of doing a 5K sometime this fall or next spring. Most importantly, at least to me, I started working with Katai. That fall was a huge battle dealing with a pony that was somehow spoiled and scared of people at the same time. She would run right into you and walk all over you but if you approached her first she would spin and run. She was tough to catch, didn’t respect fences, and had no idea about what a halter was much less any other piece of tack. She caught on quickly though and last fall I sat on her for the first time. During the winter she sat mostly because I didn’t have any place to work with her in the snow but right away in the spring we started working again. Now she is doing excellent and would be even better if not for all the other little distractions I’ve had this summer such as taking on a new job, being short a person at the job and doing twice the work I should be, starting a relationship J, and moving myself to a new apartment and Katai to a new facility. However, even with all of these distractions and all that change she has mastered a lot of important skills. She now will tie, hard tie or cross tie, can spend time in a stall, is easy to catch, will pick up all four feet, lunges all three gaits in both directions with side reins or without, trailers beautifully J, and is riding nicely at a walk.

My next hurdle is to move her to a different, bigger facility that has an indoor or at least an outdoor arena and an instructor since there is no way I will be able to afford a truck and trailer anytime soon. To be able to move her I need her to be good at a couple more things first. She has to be able to be ridden walk and trot and safely enough that I don’t feel like she’s going to buck or take off at any moment (she feels great at the walk now but the trot will be a whole different story), she needs to be able to be trimmed by a farrier, and she needs to be more comfortable in a stall/barn. The last part is almost set and after this winter she will be fine in a stall. I just emailed Dan yesterday asking when his farrier would be out next so that I can have her professionally trimmed for the first time. The only part left is up to me and should be easy to achieve by the end of fall. I also plan on continuing to work on myself this fall and will keep running, would like to lose a couple more pounds and will be taking some Dressage lessons.

Why do I want to compete at all? Honestly I’m not sure how much I want to compete. I’ve always thought that it looked like so much fun to be at a show with a horse, to talk with other horse people, show off a bit of what you’ve learned, and have people admiring your cute horse. It’s something I’ve really wanted to do since I first got a horse. For me it’s never been about ribbons or winning, its more about doing better than last time and conquering all of the tough tasks that a horse show embodies for your horse, being around other horses, trailering, being in public, standing quietly, and being around other horse people while getting to ride which is something I truly love. However, there are many things about showing that I don’t love and I don’t know if the wonderful things will outweigh those and I won’t know until I try.