Routine

In true pony style she took off a bunch of skin
and never was off and didn't swell at all

One of the things I’ve really struggled with over the past year+ is finding a routine that works. In some ways my relationship with my bf is my first “real” relationship which makes me sort of think of the high school aged girls who first start dating and then drop riding and horses because boys are taking up all their time.

Luckily we’re not teenagers and horses will always be a major component of my life but with that it was still important for me to take a step back with horse things this year to figure out relationship and boyfriend things. However, it’s time to get back to it more fully. Just as a disclaimer, my bf has never asked me to step away from horse things. He’s continued his hobbies and encouraged me to continue mine. He’s made sacrifices so that I can go to the barn and routinely encourages me to go if I’m having a day where I don’t feel like it. The step back was entirely prompted by me.

With that it’s the routine that I need to tackle first. When it was just me I had tons of flexibility and if I skipped one evening, because I just didn’t feel like it for example, I could go the next. Now I have more plans and commitments so just swapping days around doesn’t work. I also have less down time just on my own to lay on the couch and recuperate (because of previously mentioned additional commitments) so I needed to be more thoughtful about giving myself easy down time.

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it and came up with a solid schedule for the next 1-2 months to ease back into things and to help build Katai and my strength.

Our barn is right under a flight path. This military plane was 

making a weird sound to me but clearly she's not surprised 

Monday – Off
Tuesday – Ride or Lunge – Riding preferred but if I’m just not feeling it I still need to go to the barn and lunge Katai.
Wednesday – Off – my bf and I do chores like food prep and cleaning on Wednesday.
Thursday – Lunge or Ride – Lunging preferred for now since we’re working to build strength. This will eventually likely be an additional riding day.
Friday – pony spa day – For now this is more of a chore day than spa day but I like calling it spa day better.
Saturday – Riding Day – This is a true “work” day.
Sunday – this has been dubbed Adventure Day! – This will be a day where we trail ride, work on trailer loading, go for hand walks outside, and basically address training holes in a fun way.

This plan means that for now the toughest evening day is Tuesday just because riding takes some additional work beyond lunging etc. Otherwise everything is really low key and stress free on the weekdays and I can flex them all around as needed if I end up with plans on a night other than a Monday or Wednesday. My main work days are Saturday and Sunday which are interchangeable and if, for example, someone wants to go on a trail ride on Saturday I’ll swap the two.

It's tough to get pony chores done when there's so much cuteness

Once we get into October my plan is to increase the days that she’s working by riding on Thursday and lunging on Friday in addition to spa day. I’ll also put even more focus into trying to do riding work on our Adventure Day! vs. the in hand work that we might be focusing more on currently. Once there I’ll assess and see if there are other changes that I’d like to make as we get closer to the end of the year. I do not plan to do weekly lessons again, at least on a regular basis, but do want to take regular lessons. My preference right now is monthly but I’ll see how things feel once we’re back doing more work on a consistent basis.

I’m going to be doing a series of short posts outlining in more detail what I’m doing each day and why just because I think it will be fun! Stay tuned for more posts over the next couple of weeks 

2018 Year in Review

I'm going with a full, wordy, review of 2018 and I'm going to fit it all in one post. Never fear, I analyzed the year as a whole vs. recapping posts so there is some new information here and at least one picture I took for each month I'm recapping. Hopefully the media will get you through this long post!

Pretty weather but a really tough month for us

January:

In general this year was tough riding wise and it really all started last winter. January was a continuation on that and I only ended up with one lesson despite typically taking them weekly with Jane. I was dealing with SADD and anxiety and Katai was dealing with saddle fit, ulcers, and too much energy from not being able to work because of the other two. The happy things going on were that I was dating someone amazing, had an adorable baby puppy, and was looking forward to moving out of my grandma’s house and into my own apartment.

Pony was doubtful and I was enthusiastic. This was during the period of time where we were
 pretty much always at odds with each other

February:

I posted a grand total of 2 times and didn’t even get my saddle shipped out to be resized until early February. By the end of February I had my saddle back and had managed to fit in a couple of lessons but Katai was still full of energy and probably ulcery. I had also moved and was dealing with awful weather. Personal things remained awesome, other than some awful depression and anxiety that came from the move and living in chaos for a while, but pony things still weren’t going well.

Pretty tail, also one of my last photos at Jane's barn *sadface*

March:

March continued to be a struggle. The weather was awful, Katai was naughty and overly full of energy still. I also had my car break down and ended up replacing it which ate up my trailer savings. That was the final straw for me and I decided that I needed to move somewhere that could consistently trailer me to shows, having onsite clinics etc, so that I could have more opportunities. Plus I found out that Jane was selling her farm. I was also still dealing with the transition of moving into a major city that I wasn’t familiar with and was feeling a bit trapped (although I didn’t realize that until later) and needing to figure out how to manage my rescue dog who was having major anxiety and leash aggression issues that I didn’t post much about.

I did actually ride occasionally. You can also see in Katai's expression how much she hated this place.
This was her constant look whenever I had her in the barn.

April:

April was my highest posting month this year with a grand total of 8 posts. Less than half of the amount I was posting in 2017. I moved to the barn in WI and was, at the time, thinking I’d have a show in May which was exciting. The weather continued to do it’s best to defeat me and I was already struggling with figuring out how to get to the barn with all the snow and ice. I posted about my show plans for the year *sadface*, dealt with two fairly significant snow storms, and went to OH for work. Then I was very sick when I got back which just continued making it difficult to be consistent with rides.

 

Getting ready to interview for a new job. Thankfully my boss at the time found out and then changed up my work to make it more sustainable so I ended up staying.

May:

I almost entirely ended up missing May but posted three times right toward the end of the month. The weather had suddenly gotten unseasonably hot and because of pony behavior things we decided we needed to skip the May show. I then realized that I wasn’t going to be able to go to the June show because of previous plans to go to NC with my bf for a wedding. Unbeknownst to me at the time that caused a chain effect of the serious dressage crew at the barn, including my trainer at the time, to lose all faith in me and push me out of their clique. I was learning some great things from S2 especially around how to handle Katai on the ground when she checked out. Partially I was needing to learn this because Katai was ALWAYS checked out at this barn. I’m still not sure of the cause but she hasn’t had such consistently negative (anxious) behavior anywhere else which is suspicious in retrospect. I was also sick for a week or so again.

Pretty sure we make a weird perfect team

June:

The highlight of my riding year (accomplishment wise) was riding for Kristi Wysocki in a clinic and having her give me very little advice (based on riding and showing at 1^st level) when I knew going in that she’s really tough. It definitely gave me confidence that 2^nd level is in our grasp. I also got to bring Moshy to spectate at a dressage show and she was amazing! It was so much fun and I can’t wait to do more of this in 2019.

Riding blind, only a well trained dressage horse could
be so on the aids that they don't need to see right? *snorts*

July:

After only posting early in June I didn’t post again until late July and only got a few posts in. I had diagnosed many of the things that I had been struggling with so far this year and had a plan including moving to a new barn since I had realized that I had overextended myself commute time wise. Something I wasn’t posting about at the time is how much worse the people at the WI barn were making things for me since I was being actively pushed out. I wasn’t sharing because I hate adding in any way to barn drama. Plus my mental health was pretty fragile this year so I was having a tough time not feeling that it was deserved it despite literally doing nothing that should have caused ANY negative feelings from anyone at the barn.

Very few pony pictures were taken in August so enjoy a puppy instead

August:

August was a big transition month and when things actually started to slightly start to look up to me for the first time in over 9 months. I moved Katai in the middle of the month and cut my commute to the barn more than in half. Bf and I also decided moving in together was officially a thing and found an apartment at the end of August. Katai spent most of July and then August entirely off work which set us way back especially since I hadn’t been at all consistent prior to that since back in November/December.

Saying goodby to my cute little apartment
(and the amazing view lol)

Finally in the arena after all that time off even if we weren't riding much yet 

September: 

I didn’t post a single thing in September. Instead I spent the month moving myself and the bf into the new apartment, being really sick (again!), and starting to slowly work toward more time at the barn with Katai.

I can tell I was starting to feel better in October because I took way more pictures

She's perfected the mare glare

 October:

Things really started looking up this month which is funny since typically it’s October/November when I really start to suffer with seasonal depression. Kinda tells you how rough the rest of the year was for me. At any rate, I actually started to be consistent with barn time and was meeting my goals for October. I also posted a bit more about the apartment move and my new tack storage and shared new goals for the rest of the year, did some shopping, and got more media posted.

November:

Despite only posting two times I was doing so much better and averaged 5 times per week at the barn which was a combination mainly of lunging and riding. I was starting to get my position back a bit and Katai was starting to be more consistently cooperative for the first time in over a year. I shared a general update of stuff I hadn’t posted over the past year and reviewed my updated goals which were going well.

Starting to get better at our selfie game

December:

Things have officially been feeling way better and like the worst of whatever the universe was trying to throw at me is over. In December I pretty much posted about shopping (lol) but despite a real lack of any riding content I’ve continued to be really consistent up until this past week or so but I blame that on the holidays. Mainly I’m so looking forward to 2019 and having a way better year in every way.

I’m aware how quiet things have been this year and I apologize for the negative tone in the blog. It truly just has been a year where I kept getting kicked when I was down even with small things. To top that off I was really struggling with anxiety and depression in a way I never have. I’ve tried to keep some of that out of the blog since it’s just not helpful but to still be decently transparent. Saying this isn’t to diminish the amazing things that happened at the end of last year including my relationship with one of the most amazing people I’ve met, moving in with him, my amazing puppy, and my incredible pony. Thank goodness for my amazing bf and his ability to support me through this really tough year because I don’t quite know what would have happened this year without his support. Mostly though I’m looking forward to a fresh start this next year where we can have more fun together, I can accomplish more of my goals (which are mainly riding goals lets be honest) and where I just don’t have so much stress in my life.

Personal Updates

I’m starting here because while this is really a horse blog and also I don’t need to explain my absence. However, I personally kind of like getting to know all of you and try to strike a balance of only posting horse things but also sharing enough for this to not feel too impersonal. I'm also going to post a pony update on the same day so if you're only interested in that feel free to skip this post.

As mentioned previously there’s a lot going on in my life right now but this past month or so really took the cake as the craziest month I’ve had in a long time. To start off with, I moved into that new apartment I mentioned which not only meant moving all my stuff but also getting everything situated and starting to feel like I know where everything is again. Luckily I don’t have much stuff both because it makes moving easier and because the new apartment is tiny. However, I LOVE it. This is definitely my first real adult apartment and the first that really feels the way I’ve wanted it to. I still have a few more things to add or switch around but it’s getting close.

Then there is the bf who I’m head over heels about. He’s amazing and while he’s extremely supportive of me riding and spending lots of time at the barn, I’m also trying to strike a balance of spending enough time with him especially since this is still quite new. For the past few months I’ve been onboard for all of the plans which has really limited my availability to go to the barn. I’ve stayed away from the evenings that I typically ride but recently we’ll get a big snow storm on one of those evenings or my car will break down (more on that later) and suddenly I go from having 4-5 evenings to ride to 2 evenings to ride. This past week I let him know that I wasn’t going to make evening plans during the week for the next few months and was only going to do limited weekend things. He was completely on board and so far, for this past week or so, it’s been working out great. We’re still spending lots of time together just the two of us but aren’t doing the planned, set stuff so we have more flexibility to do the things we’re passionate about.

I even have a whole tack room closet!

Then there is the car. A couple of weekends ago now I was driving home from work on Friday evening and the steering wheel very strongly and mechanically turned right sharply twice. This was on top of a whole host of other minor electronic issues but was the final straw. I limped it home in stop and go traffic and then tearfully called the bf. He completely dropped all weekend plans and drove me around to several dealerships to shop for cars. I was emotional about spending money on something I didn’t really want (a car) when what I REALLY wanted this year was a trailer but I just couldn’t justify buying a truck with the amount of driving I do and my down payment savings needed to go to the car instead of a trailer. However, after much discussion (he’s a car guy and has a BMW M2) I ended up with a SmartCar. I LOVE this car so much and it’s probably the first time I’ve ever loved a car. I even got it WeatherTech mats so that it stays pretty and survives my mucky barn boots.

 

bf teased me that since it's a rear engine, rear wheel drive car,
that's branded from a german company (Mercedes-Benz)
that it's basically a Porsche.
Then I was behind this one at a stop light so needed a picture 

Finally there is puppy who actually has been easy compared to Veggie who’s struggling with some separation anxiety in the new place. Since I got him as a 2 year old he’s also always been fairly dog and kid aggressive which means that walks, that are now a necessity since I don’t have a back yard, have been tough as well. It’s been sad to see him struggle but we’re about 80% of the way there at this point. I don’t think that he’ll ever not be dog and kid aggressive but we’ve come up with some good management solutions and thank goodness he’s little so I can scoop him up if he’s really freaking out.

 

Going for big girl walks now that it's warmer out

With all of this going on I’ve only recently started to find a good balance and as part of that right now I’m happy when I’m getting to the barn 4 days a week. Of course a part of that is also just not feeling very motivated to spend even more time in the indoor arena right now and with our horrible weather this winter I just feel like I've taken a real beating motivation wise. I'm working on it though and hope to continue to do better over the next few weeks. 

Updates, Lesson Recap, and Future Plans

Because I haven't been blogging regularly I feel like I've just got all sorts of random life and pony updates. Lucky you, I'm going to just dump them all in one post and then try to get back on the blogging bandwagon over this next week or so.

Katai has adjusted so well to the new barn. She was right back to herself in very little time. I think that she enjoys the quieter environment. I actually have realized how much I enjoy it as well. I've always enjoyed the social aspect of being at the barn. I enjoy talking horses with people and I always feel more motivated to ride when there are other people there. However, knowing that I'll always have the arena to myself and that there won't be people watching means that I have an easier time concentrating on my riding and Katai rather than what other people are doing which is amazing.

Hussy mare is pretty sure she's in love
with Serenade, her neighbor mare

Jane is absolutely amazing! She provides really good, individualized care to all of the horses. What's really nice is that she treats them all almost like they're her own. She really loves Katai and treats her that way. Katai clearly is already very attached to her which is amazing and brings a really good feeling to our lessons where I can tell how much Jane cares about both of us having fun and enjoying our ride. She is able to really strike a good balance between pushing me and being very direct while still making it fun and lighthearted. For some reason (I think because of how reasonable and reassuring she is) my lesson anxiety (that I've had for my whole life with both music and riding lessons) is completely gone. I've never felt better about going to a lesson that I do right now with Jane.

I was going to do a lesson recap on the specific things that we covered on Tuesday but instead I'm going to just dump it here because again, it's more of the same. I'm sure everyone is probably getting tired of reading about how much we're improving, how amazing Jane is, how I can't believe how much progress we're making blahblahblah but that was still the case at this week's lesson.

For the first time we really NAILED the leg yield and got that amazing floating consistent trajectory feeling. We also had NO tantrums about canter transitions even though she was in absolutely raging heat. None, not a single bit of pony tantrum. I seriously don't know what magic Jane is working but it's amazing and worth way more than she charges. We also did a ton of canter in each direction and only had one break down to a trot. Plus, again no anticipating or almost no anticipating of the trot-canter transitions. I was so, so, so proud.

Rough water on Lake Superior

As for my personal life, it's been a weird week. I had taken a four day weekend, Saturday-Tuesday this past weekend so new guy and I had a road trip planned up to Duluth, MN. Unfortunately things didn't work out between us but the shit didn't hit the fan until we got to Duluth and spent a few hours walking around and shopping. At that point we had to endure a nearly 3 hour drive back home. It was an emotional car ride. I was, and am, sad and upset that things didn't work but I'm also proud of myself and how I handled things. In the past I would have just bit my tongue, pouted quietly and then dealt with it very passive aggressively once I got back so the fact that I handled it directly and yet politely was a big thing for me. My mom also has a great way of putting things into perspective and reminded me that this is exactly why trips like this are so important while dating since it causes issues to show up when it's easier to deal with, early on.

It was a dark and stormy day even before we decided we weren't a good fit for eachother

The nice thing was that I then had a couple of days at home Monday and Tuesday which I basically spent recovering since I was mentally exhausted and, I think, also was fighting off a cold. I don't normally go to the barn on Monday but did end up going to my lesson on Tuesday as planned (see above). I mainly try to leave all of this relationship stuff out of my blog for reasons like this. However, I was really confident that it was going to work in the first couple of weeks and then very confident that it wouldn't during this road trip and I don't want to hide the big things in my life either. It's a tough balance and I'll probably handle it differently next time. Live and learn.

The reason I brought up future plans is that part of what was so good about this guy and the reason that I was so excited to have found him is that he had very similar goals in life as I do. Then I was going to share that on this blog and realized that since I really haven't talked about it that wouldn't mean much to anyone here. Since this is already kind of a dump post I figured I'd just stick it here.

So, as mentioned I grew up on a farm. I was incredibly lucky to be able to have horses, goats, bunnies, ducks, etc. and yet I always just wanted to live in the city. However, even though I wanted to  live in the city I never doubted that I'd end up in the country again with my own piece of land. It was simply too amazing to be able to care for my own horses my own way for me to board for the rest of my life.

I do love living in the city, pretty much everything about it actually, and I LOVE boarding. It's great to be able to take vacations whenever I want and not to worry about having to do chores when it's -20* out. So, while I'm not in a huge hurry, there's also no doubt in my mind that at some point I want to have my own little farm and a small herd of ponies.

My dream location would be somewhere closer to the west coast. I don't have my heart absolutely set on it but I'd LOVE to be near Portland somewhere. My goal would be to own about 5 acres with a very small european style barn and some really nice large, dry lots with great drainage since ponies can't have much grass. Also, a nice track around the property for trail riding, a nice trailer, very nice fencing, a comfortable heated tack room with washer and dryer and... I could just keep going. There are lots of places that I feel I could be very happy, including near where I live now, but that would be the dream scenario.

Who wouldn't want this perfect tiny kitchen?

As far as living quarters for me (seriously who really thinks about anything outside of the barn) I've wanted a tiny house since before Tiny Houses were so popular. I never really planned or wanted one on wheels but I was going to either build a small apartment in my barn (who wouldn't want to feed the horses in their pajamas) or just a very small house. While I'm still considering a barn apartment I'm also getting very fond of the idea of building a tiny house on a trailer because of the freedom that would give me and also the cost. I'm working hard to get rid of debt and really don't want to turn right around and get myself back in debt. I'd like to have these things before I'm 40 but I also have way too much college debt from my master's degree so I'm trying to be reasonable as well.

Absolutely perfect

Of course not many other people want this mix of things or actually don't want/can't have this sort of life. This guy used to live in OR as a kid and wanted to go back, he actually initiated the conversation about living in a tiny house because I had basically given up on finding someone that wanted that. He also wanted a small piece of property, loved animals, didn't want kids, etc. It was amazing until it wasn't and I'm sad and still sort of dealing with it.

The good thing is that it really pointed out to me what I find most important in life.

All the Changes

Just a quick catch up post for today!

So, I had mentioned that I had something exciting going on and that is that I'm officially dating someone. He's completely amazing :-) Seriously the best guy I've ever met much less had the honor to be in a relationship with.

I'm clearly spending lots of time with him but he also really supports my riding/horse time and tonight I was extremely happy to have him at the barn with me. He grabbed one quick phone picture and even though the lighting just isn't that good at the barn I think I can see improvement in both me and Katai. Best thing is that he doesn't know what he's looking for so this is a completely random picture, not the one great moment that we had or something!

We're improving I think!! 

It was amazing to have him there and he was very patient as I went through my routine and even walked with us while I cooled her out. I can't quite believe that I got this lucky.

Matter and Mature

I've had a rough couple of weeks. 

First, in non-horse-related items I let the boy that dumped me in November back into my life. Of course it seems stupid as I type it especially after how he dumped me but I believe strongly in forgiveness and he made a good case. I was only willing to let him back as a friend but after a drunk night of conversation he admitted that he was back because he wanted me back as a girlfriend. I refused to agree to that and told him he better take some time and think about it. I've behaved only as a friend with him since then refusing any advances and to his credit he has been mostly polite and respected my wishes. However it has been extremely emotionally tiring for me. I really did love him and had just really gotten over him when he contacted me and it has been an emotional roller coster for me trying to decide what I want since I have a decision to make. 

I'm still on the fence but the fence starting to lean one way pretty strongly and it is not in his favor.

With all that fun going on my time with Katai and at the barn should have been my escape but that has not proven to be the case. In my last post I wrote about how Katai in heat was a pain to deal with but I was starting to have my doubts that it had anything to do with hormones and with the new supplements really starting to make a difference in her comfort and behavior I have come very strongly to the conclusion that it has more to do with J.

I really, really, really, really didn't want that to be the case. I am not someone who questions her instructors. I've been taking serious lessons since I was five, not in riding, but in music but I gave and was taught to give those instructors my utmost respect and NEVER questioned them. If something hurt or I had questions I asked and we came up with a plan which I followed. I've had excellent instructors my whole life and stuck with all of them for 7+ years until they told me and/or my mom that it was time to move on to someone with more experience. With that being said I have lost so much respect for J after my last few lessons that I am beginning to think of moving my pony.

The issue is the trot. J wants a slow trot, with Katai carrying herself on her hind legs, and with an upright neck and head. Basically a 3rd level+ frame and carriage. I'm no Dressage expert but 

it. is. too. soon.  

and this has of course been proven by Katai's discomfort, tense back, canter/trot/gaiting mess, etc. She is not even a 90 day horse at this point and more importantly, she has an amateur rider. What I KNOW needs to happen is long and low, lifted back, slowly more uphill, and slowly changing the speed of her trot until she can carry herself properly for a few strides at a time and then build on that. J doesn't just want this advanced frame for a stride she wants it the whole, damn half hour lesson and I know it's bullshit. Even if Katai was ready for it, and she is not, I am not. I'm an amateur rider for heavens sake riding a horse that I have made slowly and with great care so as to not screw anything up. I know I take that risk since I am not an expert.

I'm mad, and have been mad, because Katai is my girl. It is up to me to protect her and speak for her and its not something I'm good at but even beyond that J is just so domineering that she will not listen to a word I say. I have been trying to not mess up my pony while J seems to be trying her damnedest to do just that plus I can't get it out of my head that it's because she dislikes Katai and just wants to prove to me that she is unsutable for this.

I'm mad that I put us in this place.

On Monday this week I got us out of the arena, away from J's eyes as she taught other lessons. I rode Katai in an open field and despite all of the things that she could have had issues with and the fact that I have not riden her anywhere but the indoor arena since I moved her to this stable she was perfect. She listened, she generalized knowledge, she realized that she still needed to listen to my leg and seat even in a different and exciting place. Most importantly she troted, fast but even with her back lifted and her head low, curved and relaxed. Her back swung. She didn't duck behind the verticle. I had steering AND brakes. She pushed up hills and maintained her pace and got only a slight bit faster going down them. She evenly and quietly changed to a canter and back to a trot off my seat. She was perfect and I do not deny that without J we would never be here but I can't ignore where she is trying to take us.

I've had three lessons of this madness despite me trying to just get her to let me allow Katai to trot a little faster she litterally takes the reins out of my hands and walks along next to us expecting Katai to trot at her walking speed. This makes Katai try this tense, tiny prancy walk with no carriage and so much tension that she feels like she is going to snap but even beyond this if it were just Katai I would continue to put my trust in J. It's the fact that I've seen more and more of her students ride and almost every single horse is hollow, tense, prancy, and nervous. Not something I saw in the two months I took lessons before moving there but not something I'm going to ignore now.

To me, it's time to move and I have a few options. There are three serious dressage/eventing barns in the area and two barns that are very eclectic both with dressage trainers as well as western, english, jumper, hunter, etc. 

I have mixed feelings because the two eclectic barns are the cheapest but both have trails, indoor and outdoor arenas and instruction. One of the instructors is better than the other but that barn is WAY more crowded and busy and I'm just not sure its a good place to put Katai.

 One of the serious barns is home to a dressage trainer that is on the high performance list for the Olympics as well as an eventer that teaches dressage lessons. I would certainly not need lessons from the dressage instructor but having her available would make me feel like I could stay for the long term. I have actually asked to be on the wait list for pasture since it sounds like it could be a long time and that barn is closest to the location that I hope to move when I'm ready to move on at work.

The second of the more serious barns has a great eventing/hunter/jumper instructor that I've taken several lessons with but they only do stall board and I'm still not convinced that I'm ok with that plus the fact that just stall board is the same price as pasture + weekly lessons where I am now.

The third of the more serious barns is the one that I am leaning to the most strongly right now. I'm not sure if I blogged about it but I've taken a lesson with the instructor and I enjoyed it. It was more fun than lessons with J have been plus she does a lot of natural horsemanship and groundwork with her students. I'm sure she could and would help me with Katai's phobia of fly spray, clippers and help with getting her more relaxed for trailer loading. Those things would be far more valuable to me than continued dressage training at this point. Board, if there is pasture available, plus lessons would cost $5 more per month than I am paying now. Yes, $5. I think my budget can handle that. It's also only about 10 minutes further away and since most of my other choices are 20+ more minutes away it is one of the closest options as well.

I really did not want to be moving again or making this decision again. I wanted to stay at my current barn for years and I know some people who read this will think I'm jumping the gun but seriously, if you saw the way that she is starting to treat my pony paired with the attitudes of the other horses at the barn you would be jumping ship as well. 

My Anchor

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday on my way home from work, the week of Thanksgiving, by text. I'd had a gut feeling for the past two weeks that something was going on but I never thought it was that. I feel completely blindsided especially because I truly loved the guy and there was no indication that he didn't love me. He was still looking at me with gooey eyes, holding me close, kissing me on the top of the head, pulling me onto his lap on the couch when we were watching a movie together and we were having fun in bed.

I really didn't see it coming.

I did get him to admit that he "bumped into someone else and just went crazy" so whether it was someone he knew from before or just someone new I'll never know. I'm completely positive that he broke up with me because the relationship wasn't new and exciting anymore.

I'd rather never pull my outside life into my horse blog but this relationship has been so important to me and such a wonderful thing that I need to address it and mostly I needed to say that Katai is truly my anchor.

Tonight it was cold and dark out and I was sad and wanted nothing more than to go home, curl up in a little ball and cry but I wanted so badly to see Katai's fluffy ears, to hear her high little whinny when she sees my car because she knows that I'm there for her, and to put on her nice warm blanket to protect her from the cold. I even missed my turn on the way home from work because I was too lost in thought so I went the long way to the barn and sure enough she greeted me with a whinny.

I love her so much and this actually came at something close to the right time, if there is such a thing, because things have been going so well with her. I have been spending so much time at the barn that when I saw the text one of my first thoughts, after how could this be happening, was that at least I would get to spend more time at the barn with my pony.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now other than spend time at the barn. I didn't just loose my boyfriend I feel like I lost my best friend, or at least my best human friend.

Tonight I had nowhere near the mental capacity to ride. I brought Katai into the arena, out of the wind, and free lunged her over some jumps. She was full of herself and snorting smoke in the cold air, doing her best to make me laugh so for a little while I forgot about stupid boys and enjoyed my girl. When she was done I fed her her grain, put on her nice fluffy blanket and cried into her mane for awhile. She was calm and patient and wise way beyond her six years and wrapped her neck around me.

I needed my night with her tonight and I'll need my time with her this week more than every. I'm so glad that I have such a true friend.