Taking Steps

Last grain with bute on Monday!!

I don’t necessarily want or need to share intimate details around the mental health stuff I’ve been working on for the past year or so but this post is about some high level mental health stuff that impacts pony things. I do want to share this level because not only is this a journal for myself about horse stuff and this plays into it but also because maybe someone else out there will gain something from this.

Feel free to skip or read.

I’ve always had pretty high anxiety, ok like really high anxiety. My mom does as well so I’m sure that’s probably part of it. It doesn’t have a hugely visible impact on my day to day in that it’s never negatively impacted my performance at work, I rarely (if ever), make decision based on my anxiety, however, it plays into everything, every day of my life. My way of dealing with it, for lack of having any other answer, has typically been to just force it down and ignore it. For most of my life I’ve thought it was just normal nerves of the type that everyone deals with but it’s come to my attention over the past year that it’s way more than what many people deal with. This led me to seek out therapy. The particular therapist that I was seeing wasn’t a great fit so I’m in the process of finding a different therapist right now but I’m looking forward to learning more about how to manage this.

So, anyone may know the answer to this but how does this relate to pony stuff? I’ve never thought of it as an issue with horse stuff. I’ve never had an issue with fear in the bigger ways that some of my friends have. I’ve had lesson anxiety but that normally goes away once I’m in the saddle so I never really worried about it, and I’ve always thought I was managing it pretty well. Two things happened this past week though that made me take a big step back and realize that I’m just not ok continuing on as is.

Today, snow...

First, on Thursday when the vet was out I was having massive anxiety. I felt almost light headed and definitely nauseous (both normal for me with stuff like the vet visit). If I could have curled up in a tiny ball and let someone else deal with the vet I would have done so. Of course it ended up being ok but I was FREAKING out. I had it tamped down pretty well by the time I got to the barn and brought Katai into the cross ties. I wasn’t thinking about it but Katai was escalating, and escalating. I was standing and talking to someone about the weather (or something else inconsequential) and I looked over to Katai trying to alternate rearing in the cross ties and spinning. Her muscles were all tight and her eyes were huge. There was NO reason for her to do so that day, like any other day where she’s falling asleep in the crossties, other than my anxiety. Plus, then when I handed her off to the assistant (and Katai doesn't like strangers) she was back to being her calm, normal self.

Suddenly I realized that if, in a place that both of us feel safe. A place where Katai is normally quiet and half asleep, she was hose show level escalated, it was entirely related to my anxiety. That means that at shows, where I’ve thought I’ve had a training problem I’ve actually had an anxiety problem. I’ve been walking around thinking that Katai has poor training and poor ground handling at shows and confused because she’s SOOOO good at home and feeling sort of powerless to work on it. I’m sure we’ll have some work to do anyway since new environments do that but the silliness that makes her so tough to handle at shows? Entirely my anxiety. Trailering? Same thing. I know some people say that it’s almost always the person that’s the problem, in this case that is absolutely 100% true. Of course, upon more thought, it may feel like I have it tamped down but Katai and I are very connected and of course when I feel internally like I’m going to die Katai picks that up and also feels like she’s going to die. It’s sort of wonderful in a tragic sort of way.

Second, this weekend I was listening to the Oliva Towers podcast with Jane Pike on cultivating a resilient mindset. I’ll be honest that after my recent therapy experience I was wondering if there was anything to be gained by doing therapy. Then I listened to this podcast and learned more than I ever had from my therapist and decided it wasn’t me, and was more of a mismatch between the two of us. I’m going to be working on some of the things that Jane Pike talked about, and, also working hard to find a therapist that works well for me because I want to improve and help Katai feel better so that we can both have fun at shows.

It’s empowering because it means that by working on that anxiety and finding solutions to that I’ll be solving probably 80% of the handling issue we have at shows where Katai seems to revert to being feral. Then we’ll just have 20% of true training to work on to get her used to calmly following directions in strange places. I know it’s going to be hard work but I’m looking forward to it.

So Lame

The poor lame beast herself

Well, I was really hoping to have a better more positive update but instead I have an update that Katai is very lame. In all the time I’ve owned her she’s had periods where she’s been off but almost never actually been head bobbing lame. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have dodged the bullet this time so in the theme of us just not catching a break…

Two weeks ago I rode three times and she was awesome. Mondays ride was ground pole day with my friend M which I’ve written about. Then Tuesday I had a good, if quiet, ride where she felt a little flat and tired but was sound. On Friday I had a FANTASTIC ride that I was looking forward to blogging about. Her canter felt strong and it felt like she had presence again rather than just being flat and tired. I was so happy and encouraged. I didn’t push her hard any of those days and only rode about 15-25 minutes each day to slowly start building her strength.

Prior to the lameness the boyfriend and I did a road trip to
 Chicago for a live show at the Chicago Theater.

Saturday and Sunday I just fed supplements and treated her feet. I was really happy to feel like I was getting back to consistent rides and looking forward to making more progress the next week. Then on Monday I went out, planning to do a ground pole ride again, but when I went to put her halter on she backed up from the round bale and sort of stumbled on her left hind. My stomach sank immediately.

I got her halter on and walked her up to the barn. I was hoping maybe she had an abscess but she seemed more upset about lifting and moving her leg forward than standing on it (although that seemed uncomfy too). I asked the barn owner and another boarder to give me their opinion while I walked and trotted her in the arena. They thought that, while she was clearly lame, it wasn’t awful and she could have just slipped and pulled something. I asked if she were there horse if they’d call the vet and they said to give it a day or two. Luckily another boarder had the vet coming out that Thursday so I decided to give her Tuesday and then on Wednesday evening have L watch her trot out and make my decision from there. L is experienced with lameness spotting so I figured she could let me know if she thought it was improving enough or not.

I'm loving this gorgeous thing. Review coming soon!

Tuesday I gave ulcer meds and cleaned feet and actually thought she looked slightly better and more confident on her leg. Wednesday evening came and I did supplements and hooves while L finished up a lesson. When L was available I brought in the arena. At the walk L was able to see it but only barely and I started feeling better but then I trotted her and my stomach sank again. She was REALLY off on that hind leg at the trot, worse than on Monday :( L said if it were her she'd call the vet in the next couple of days so I called the vet clinic and get Katai added to the vet’s schedule for the following day. Then I proceeded to FREAK out.

It was awesome to be able to chat with Jen from CobJockey and M from the barn because I just haven’t had to deal with this ever *knocks on wood* On Thursday I literally felt like I was going to throw up and barely made it through the morning without a panic attack. I got to the barn early and brought Katai in to get her cleaned up.

Standing in the barn with her was interesting with where my anxiety was at and I plan to do a separate post on that experience. Eventually though the vet got there, finished pulling coggins on the other horse, and I handed her off to him and his assistant. The vet had her walk and jog and I was relieved to see that she was much better again, even better than Monday from what I could tell. After being a 4/5 lame or so on Wednesday the vet put her at a 1/5 lame at that appointment. He also had me walk and trot her on a small circle where she also didn’t look bad. She didn’t react to hoof testers or any palpation. He thinks, as does L, that it’s something high up potentially in her stifle and is likely soft tissue since she doesn’t have any heat or swelling whatsoever that we can find. It had gotten muddy again a day or so before she hurt herself so I suspect she was running around and either fell or slipped and strained it.

I laugh to keep from crying

His recommendation? Stall or paddock rest for 5-7 days, a steroid injection, and bute for 5 days. I was worried about stall rest because if left alone in a stall with no other horses in the barn she would spin, rear, and try to run in circles around her stall. Luckily I have an awesome barn owner who found me a small paddock for her that is the best of both worlds. I moved her over there on Thursday afternoon and would like to keep her in there through Wednesday and then walk and trot her out for L again on Wednesday evening to see if we need to do further intervention or not. In the meantime she’s getting supplements, ulcer meds, bute, and her feet still treated since we had a warm up and are back to mud again. I also finished her clip finally. The bute will delay her ulcer med plan so I’m going to add a couple more weeks on just to make sure I completely let those heal before I stop her meds.

I’ve got all of my digits crossed that she’ll fully recover by Wednesday and then L and I can make a plan to very slowly and lightly bring her back to work.

Vets and Farriers

*My post from yesterday has formatting issues that I'm having trouble fixing. I'm going to go back and get it fixed but I pulled it for now until I can.

It's the time of year for spring shots and of course this year I needed my Coggins by the first show (actually going to drop it off today so that I don't have to remember it next weekend) so Katai was seen by the vet last month. Because a mistake was made with paperwork processing I didn't get my paperwork until just last week (this happened to me last year too).

I looked it over when it got here and was surprised to see this.

Of course she had to roll and give herself these spots before her pictures. In the second photo you can tell that she's second guessing it though. Also, not a bad conformation shot in the first one ;)

It's not like I really know how old Katai is so I wouldn't be at all surprised if I got her age wrong but I've been pretty sure that she's 7-8 and not 9. First of all, these pictures in 2013 from about 6 months after I got her.

Look at how butt high she is here

She does not look like a 6 year old pony here. Maybe a 6 year old warmblood but not a 6 year old pony. I would have guessed 3-4 honestly between her physical and mental maturity. However, the vet was at the barn without me and no one at the barn remembers Katai's age so I can only imagine that he looked at her teeth. I know that teeth don't lie and honestly it doesn't really matter to me what her age is. She's as old as she is and she will get as old as she'll get, knowing her actual age doesn't change it.

However, I was so surprised that I looked back through her records to see if I could find any additional information and I found this.

Sorry it's blurry but it has her birthdate as 1/1/2008

There are three big vet clinics in the area. One is the very highly respected University of MN vet hospital. This is where most people send their horses for major surgery if they have the choice and it's just known, locally anyway, for it's amazing care. That is who this age came from and again, no one would have told the her age so they would have been aging her by her teeth. This would make her 8 this year which is closer to what I was thinking. The vet that saw her this spring is the other most respected vet in the area and is the other place that people will take horses for surgery or emergencies so I trust them as well.

Finally, I went back to the first Coggins I got on her (again from the clinic that just saw her this spring) and saw this. 

Another 1/1/2007 birthdate

I was at this appointment but I remember that he checked her teeth. I actually don't think that I ever really looked at this age and certainly don't remember it coming up but at the time I had two ponies and a dog being seen and Katai was a handful so I maybe just didn't retain it.

Either way, it really doesn't matter, I just think it's interesting and one of the reasons that I'd like to get a pony that's registered next time, just to take some of the guesswork out of it.

Then yesterday I had planned for the trimmer and was going to get off work a bit early to head to the barn when I got this.

Whatever her age is, she's really becoming a mature lady and that makes me very happy.

Thursday Lesson Day

So far my lessons have been on Thursdays, other than at the beginning of the month when I had three lessons in a row to try out a couple of different barns/trainer. Today was my third lesson with Julie and my first lesson with her off the lunge. It was great and I am enjoying her ability and training more and more. I was especially happy when she climbed on the horse today to show me something as people in this area seem to be either teachers or riders and not both. I am a very visual learner so when watching someone do something I learn a lot more than when being told how to do something.

I have some homework to work on, of course :-), which includes stabilizing my torso and changing where I hold my hands a bit. Mostly though I'm very excited to get Katai there because then I will have very different things to work on vs. riding a well trained school horse. I move her in just over one week!!!! I have just a few more things to get ready and one more lesson before the big move and I just can't wait.

In Katai land things have been great! After a few days completely off everything other than a little light groundwork and grooming I rode yesterday, without a bit of course to let her mouth heal, and she was really good! I got some nice forward, relaxed, back swinging moments from her despite her being extremely jumpy for some reason. Katai tends to be quite hot, my little redhead, but she's usually not spooky at all. However, yesterday she was freezing and jumping at everything. Luckily she has this tiny freezy-in-place-thing that really isn't hard to sit but it just. kept. happening. Ah well.

I also managed to get a bunch of mane pulling done which is good because with how thick he mane is she could easily sport a Fjord type Mohawk if I wanted her to. I did a lot of pampering and grooming with her as well. Unfortunately the current barn doesn't have running water anywhere that's easy to get to so trying to scrub her stains off will be tough but its something I feel I need to do before the move. I am certainly no grooming queen and she is a bit of a hairy mess right now but transferring her to a new barn covered in stains is not ok in my mind. Now I just have to figure how I'm going to get rid of them! People with bay horses have it so much easier...

Dopey Pony

Katai had her teeth floated today. She had some small points, nothing that was too much of a concern, but we did discover that she has a minor overbite. She had a small hook over the front of her bottom teeth that needed to be floated and I'll need to keep an eye on it for floating again in the future.

Pony likes drugs :)

She was extremely good for the vet and again, although she is normally fairly hot and sensitive, she acts like she doesn't even feel shots. She did need a full sized horse dose of sedative though.

I put her back in the pasture still slightly dopey to sleep it off in the sun with her friends once she was walking without wobbling. The plan for tomorrow is to see how she's feeling and possibly take her for either a walk or work more with the clippers. She is really getting them figured out :)

This next week I'm hoping to get back to riding, bitless of course, and I finally ordered a pair of cavalo hoof boots since she's still been pretty sensitive even though her thrush is FINALLY nearly gone. They should get here on Monday so I should be able to try them out on Tuesday.

Finally, I had my second lesson on Thursday and I ADORE the instructor. She is honest, tough, fair and still kind. She praises when it's due but doesn't overdo it. I am so happy to have found a really good instructor and can't wait until she can begin working with me and Katai! Now hopefully my self trained pony does me proud like I know she can :)