Life Update

Trying to remember this on the daily

I also have a post about my lesson this week that I want to get typed up but I felt like I wanted to do this post first to catch up.

This has been a weird year for me in a couple of ways. The weather has been odd and it was a long, cold spring, then we had extreme (for us) heat. Now for the next 7-10 days it looks like our highs will be in the upper 60s with rain which is cold for us at this time of year. The weather has been so bipolar that it's tough to make plans or get in any sort of rhythm.

It's also been sort of a weird year for me personally. The weather certainly hasn't helped but on top of that I think I've felt a bit aimless. I've always had something like 7 big items on a list that I wanted to accomplish. For so long they felt so far away and I was constantly striving for them. Now I've got something like 5 of the seven checked off (and those are better than I imagined they'd be) but the two things left which haven't been prioritized to this point feel really important.

I'm struggling a bit with where to go from here since it feels like one of those things (a relationship) isn't something I can necessarily achieve with hard work and I suck at sitting back and letting things happen. It's also been really tough to still be alone and I've been struggling a lot with it recently especially as more of my friends fall off the map as they get more involved with kids and their spouses and have less time for doing things with friends.

The other thing is moving away from MN and it's always felt weirdly dependent on the relationship being accomplished first. Not sure why, maybe I want to have that support person before I leave home or maybe it's that it would be a lot easier financially. Either way, while I have a plan to accomplish this it's still a bit further out and the only thing I can do now is prioritize paying debt and figure out where I'll want to look for jobs when/if I decide to take action on my plan.

Both exciting and sad to think of leaving
this beautiful, green paradise.

Other little things have put me in a weird place as well. I love my job so much that I can't imagine leaving it to move (and yet don't want to spend the rest of my life living in MN), same with Jane and my current barn. However, Jane is going to likely be retiring from boarding at some time in the near future and while I hope she'd still teach lessons that's a bit up in the air. She's allowing some of her things (like her truck) to come to the end of their life and so while it's amazing that she's willing to trailer me places for shows I'm also really sensitive to the fact that every mile she trailers me is a mile she can't trailer her own horse to a clinic. I prioritized paying bills this year over buying a trailer but now I'm sort of in a place where I feel stuck and can't do as much as I'd like.

I was really looking forward to trailering to shows with my fellow boarder, K, but now very sadly and a bit suddenly she's needing to make a tough decision about retiring her horse. It's not my story to tell and I don't want to share the details but it's tough on everyone at the barn especially since her mare is the nicest, sweetest thing on the face of the earth. At the very least there isn't much hope or any plans for her to show with her again.

I'm certainly not posting this to complain, mainly it's a post about how everything is going so well (other than feeling a bit lonely haha) that I'm just feeling a little lost without all of my goals and wants. Also, things with Katai are going great! I'm slowly improving my riding and Katai is continuing to be more ridable. I can't believe the difference in her quiet, sweet, well behaved attitude recently. She tries so hard every. single. ride. and I never wonder what I'm going to get when I show up at the barn.

I'm also continuing to get healthier and fitter and still really loving being vegan. My job is great and I have a really fun (they aren't always but this one will be!) work trip at the end of July for a week that I'm looking forward to. I'm SO excited about going to Pony Cup again this year and can't believe that I'll be flying out two weeks from tomorrow. I'm also rapidly paying off debt and still managed a (well deserved) small shopping binge for things that I'd told myself I could get after my first successful show with Katai. I can't wait to get that stuff and will share it in a post soon!

Overall it's all so good but I've just been struggling a bit recently and since it's been reflected in how I feel about my rides and lessons and how much I'm blogging I figured I'd share.

Brutal Cold

I'm at a weird place right now both in my personal life and riding. It's been around -20 to -30 with windchill most days last week and now again this week. It actually warmed up a little this weekend so I made it out briefly but after about 15 minutes my fingers were so frozen that I couldn't bend them  and they hurt really bad. I know I need better winter gear but right now it's just not in the budget. Hopefully in the next month or so I can save up for some better liners and gloves but for now its just not worth it to ride and spend time at the barn when it's that cold.

In other news I, for the first time since I remember, have no direction. I'm at a crossroads right now and my decision will clearly define my future in a way that's putting a lot of pressure on me to make the "right" decision even though I'm not sure that there is any such thing. Unfortunately that is causing me to not quite know where I'm headed with Katai either and since she's such an important part of my life it's been rough.

If I move I'll be moving her with me but then I have some decisions to make about barns, trailer options, instructors etc and I feel like I'm on hold until I know. Problem is that I can't decide if I want to move or not. This is the right time in my life and it's not that I'm scared but there are some really compelling reasons to stay as well.

Blech, I just don't know what to do and that's not me.

I'm going to try to make some decision by the end of the week but it'll be tough.

Luckily we're supposed to have a big warm up by the end of the week. We're supposed to get temperatures up into the upper 30s which will be more than amazing. I know I'll feel better once I get some time with my pony.