Mental

Very first time on her back!

I've had a lot going on lately and have still been working a lot to try to figure out why I've lost my motivation and some of the magic of riding and dressage that I was feeling for so long.

A few things have come up that I just wanted to document here for my future self.

First, I was feeling really burnt out after having weekly lessons. I realize that doing that is the quickest and best way to improve but while I very much want to do my best, having such regular lessons, especially as more started to happen in life, was REALLY tough.

Way less inverted

My preference would be monthly lessons or lessons/clinics as needed vs. always needing to feel ready for a lesson each week. Katai also was feeling burnt out and I think a bit body sore on that schedule. She's been WAY more relaxed since we moved to the barn we're at now and all of the behavioral things we'd been dealing with are gone. As I slowly get her stronger and back into more work I'll be curious if they come back but I kind of suspect they won't since I still won't be putting as much pressure on both of us.

Doing this right now has allowed me to feel like I can take a breath and do things like trail ride, do more spa days, lunge, and find a schedule that works for both of us. It does mean that I've been at the barn less but for the past few weeks I've been out there 3-4 days per week which isn't bad by any means.

Such a baby, so tight, so inverted but still a cool picture

Second, my amazing bf and I were talking about how I feel like there's something weird going on this year where time has flown by and I feel like nothing happened. He was quiet for a minute and then very insightfully asked if I thought it was because I was focusing on too many things and spinning my wheels. I was like yes, that is exactly what's been going on but I hadn't realized it until he said something.

With him in my life I've had so many more things going on, meeting more people, and more hobbies vs. just watching Netflix and riding. It's wonderful but also a little overwhelming. I'm trying to boil it down a bit and do those things but not focus on them so much and not spend some much time worrying about things. Instead I've been just going to the barn on a regular schedule and learning to say no to social engagements.

So much more grown up :)

Third, I feel like I've been waiting on a lot this year. I have a few big things on the horizon that are pretty life changing. One of those is that I started interviewing and looking for a new job in January this year. While I started out looking really casually I got close to an offer a couple of times (second in line actually twice for jobs I really wanted) which was tough. It's not that I'm unhappy in my job, just that I'm ready to move on, increase my salary, and have more growth opportunities. After missing out on those two jobs I started looking more seriously and that's been unfortunately taking a lot of my time and energy. It means good things for riding and horse things though since part of the barrier I've been facing recently with this is budget related.

Fall Blahs

I LOVE fall. Usually our weather is gorgeous and it’s my happy place temperature wise with temps normally around the 50s-low 70s. However, like all our other weird weather this year we’ve had two spikes up into the 90s in between the 60s. The cooler weather came earlier than normal which was lovely but these weird 30 degree spikes are rough and migraine causing for me. I ended up with a migraine (although I actually caught it before it got too horrible this time) on Thursday and then Friday was 93. Because of that, despite my goals of making it out at least 4 times this past week I only made it out 3.

Part of that is that I still don’t have a saddle. Despite VTO’s quick turnaround time I miscalculated how long shipping takes with a box that large. It was either $40 to ship for 5-6 day shipping time for $106 for 2-3 day shipping so I went with the longer option. I know my saddle has gone to the adjuster at this time but with shipping back likely taking at least as long I don’t even know if it will arrive this week. That’s more than two weeks without a saddle and I’m starting to worry that Katai is going to gain back enough pudge that the, now narrower, saddle won’t fit when it gets back. I did end up talking with Jane on Sunday and she suggested that I try one of her back up saddles. I was doubtful but it actually fit pretty well so I’m going to try it out tonight and then possible ride in it for my lesson tomorrow.

It’s a really rough time for this to be happening since my friends, who are still looking at moving, are wanting to watch another one of my lessons before they make the decision. Oh well, I needed to get my saddle adjusted and this time as is good as any since I don’t have any shows or clinics coming up.

In the meantime I’m planning to get out to the barn 5 times again. Even if this borrowed saddle doesn’t fit well enough for me to ride in it I’ll be lunging and doing some bareback rides. Plus I still want to get a bath in for Katai before the weather gets too much colder. It's looking like our weather is going to be more consistent for the next week or so and I'm hoping that my body adjusts again so that I can enjoy it!

Cliff

Well, I feel like my rides have completely fallen off a cliff recently. It's not so much that I lack motivation, just a combination of things. Last week I rode 4 times but this week I'm going to have ridden 1 time, yep, 1 time or sort of 2 since I kind of rode bareback on Wednesday.

Proof of my laziness.
Also, all the sweat is just from standing, I hadn't even ridden at this point

The main thing is the heat. We had another big swing up in temperature, this time with really high humidity so the horses are sweating standing still in front of their fans. I'm certainly not going to ride (other than the 10 minutes I spent walking with a bit of trotting bareback) in that sort of situation.

Monday was an amazing ride. I did a full 45 minutes and we got the most AMAZING lengthening at the end of the ride. Then the fourth of July with fireworks going off everywhere and then finally the heat hit.

and spending lots of time grooming so
we could spend time in front of Katai's favorite fan.

Of course Friday-Sunday she won't be ridden either since I'll be at Pony Cup!!! I'm really looking forward to this trip and know that I'll be really motivated when I get back.

Unfortunately it is going to be tougher to meet my July goals. Once I get back from KY I'll have two full weeks of pony time and I'm going to make sure they're action packed! Then I'll likely be in Seattle for around 11 days straight from the 23rd through the beginning of August.

Then the plan is for no travel until my next horse show which is planned for August 26th or 27th!! Straight from there I'm taking the last week in August off through Labor day and will be traveling to Rochester, NY to visit my sister and hopefully meet Bobby from Poor Woman Showing. I can't wait! Even better, I'll likely be traveling Wednesday-Saturday but will have the rest of the time to spend time recuperating from the show and having a fun staycation :)

My Riding Schedule and How It Relates to a Famous Cat

This cat to be exact

Previously I'd have a schedule planned for the week which would look something like this;

Sunday: Lesson

Monday: Off

Tuesday: Ride

Wednesday: Ride

Thursday: Ride

Friday: Off

Saturday Ride

In a good week I'd ride or not ride as planned. The problem was always if something came up, I had a stressful day at work, the weather was really bad, my lesson was rescheduled etc. Unfortunately if those things happened I normally didn't ride on a day off, I just didn't ride on a scheduled day.

One of the main problems is that I have a stressful job. 80% of the time when I think about riding that evening during my work day it sounds not only like the least fun thing I can think of but almost impossible with the mental state I'm in. Especially when I need to get home, make food, change, and then drive the half hour to the barn. Because of that, all I can do all day is think about how to not go to the barn and instead sit at home and veg out in front of the tv.

And I even got some video!

Instead I've changed things up this week and now I'm not planning anything. All day long when I think about not going to the barn I just ignore it and go on with my day while focusing on being in the moment. Then, even when I get home I don't think about it and don't plan anything. Instead as I'm finishing up dinner it's actually started to sound like fun and by the time rush hour is over all I want to do is get changed into my riding clothes and head to the barn. 

Then because I didn't have an expected schedule I just went to the barn every day I could so that when I ended up with a day I couldn't go it didn't actually reduce the number of days that I went to the barn at all. In fact, this is the first week I've made it to five, productive, days at the barn in months. Even better, it was easy and non-stressful.

So, basically all day long I could either go or not go to the barn and that flexibility has made it sound like fun rather than a chore :)

I'm Back!

I do love work trips to Seattle though!
So cool to watch this sea plane taking off Lake Union from my hotel elevator

In more ways than one.

The past few weeks have been really tough in being able to get to the barn. First was the accident and being in pain, then not having a car to drive, then the holidays, and finally this week I was in Seattle, WA for work. I just got back today and its so good to be home.

Or the Amazon Bio-orb that's under construction

Even though it's been tough to only be able to occasionally go to the barn and the lack of rides and lessons hasn't made for much progress it has been sort of nice to have a "forced" break from regular riding. I was lacking a bit on motivation both because of the weather and because I think I just needed a break. Now though, especially today, I'm feeling way more motivated. I think it's both because of the break and because I finished reading book two of the Dressage Chronicles and I'm reading book three, for the first time. I love these books and they always make me want to ride and go to dressage shows :)

Or the place where cool car things happen :)

I'm planning to ride or go to the barn every day through my lesson on Tuesday next week and I'm really glad that I have absolutely no plans until the end of February so I can just focus on riding!

A Kick in The Pants

Winter is always tough on my motivation. The seasonal change is the worst but the depression and headaches that always gives me seems to be over this year which is amazing. The winter is just tough because of the dark and cold.

At my previous barn it wasn't so bad since it was kept much warmer, closer to 50-60* so as soon as I got to the barn I was comfy and could wear just a light jacket. This barn is much chillier and probably kept closer to 32* just so it doesn't freeze. Certainly not complaining but as a huge freeze baby I have to admit that it's been tougher to make myself go to the barn this year.

Especially when we have weeks like this in early December

I've still been to the barn 3-4 days a week but I'm still aiming for 5 so that's a big difference. However on Tuesday H was able to make it to my lesson and it was an interesting evening that somehow left me feeling more motivated.

To start this off I want to preface by saying that I love H. She's been a friend since I was in my teens and she's really a good person. I really enjoy spending time with her especially since both of us are into dressage ponies so we have a lot to talk about. The thing is though, that she brings out all of my insecurities. That's not her fault but mine for letting who she is get into my head. 

H is really a triple threat, she's gorgeous, petit, a beautiful rider, and (the toughest for me to deal with) she rides at an absolutely amazing barn with an absolutely amazing instructor where she regularly gets the opportunity to bop around on a 4 year old Gold Premium filly, a schoolmaster(ish) level horse, and ride with clinicians like Janet Foy.

It's not the fact that I feel insecure around her because I really don't and we both have our own strengths. It's more that I'm jealous of her opportunities. Even as a kid she had a well trained pony, good instruction, and a trailer when I had a green broke and naughty horse that had only been on trail rides, no good instruction, and no trailer so no way to show or take lessons since there weren't any trainers nearby that had lesson horses. Every time I'm around her it's tough for me not to wish I had had the same opportunities in the past and that I could have the same opportunities now since I still don't have a trailer or a trainer who regularly shows throughout our region.

Don't get me wrong. At this point I would never trade and lesson with her instructor (who's a well known dressage judge) instead of Jane. He is amazing but I am at exactly the right place for me and Katai right now and  I wouldn't move even if I could. It's just tough every time I see or hear about her scribing and/or showing at large rated dressage shows and talking about all of the quirky show things or partying with our regions top riders after the show.

This time was especially difficult on me because her instructor, who's also a well respected breeder (as you can tell since he has a 4 year old Gold Premium filly that I believe he produced), has recently purchased no fewer than SIX GRPs. Two are older (3 and 6 I believe), four of them are just babies, and H will have the chance to play with, help break, train, and ride all of those gorgeous ponies. 

One of them in particular hurts because she's a Golden State baby (from the same barn/lines(?) as Forest Nymph) who I was drooling over for weeks before I heard she went to H's trainer. Of course I'm glad she's in such a good home and excited to meet her at some point but it still stings a bit. The fact that H was talking about all the ways that her trainer thinks this pony might be lacking for upper level dressage (obviously extremely nit-picky things since he has a Gold Premium baby) made it sting more especially since I have an amazing but free pony, with no specific breeding, no traceable bloodlines, and not even close to "fancy" movement. Insecurities talking again of course since I CERTAINLY wouldn't trade Katai even if the pony were offered to me tomorrow for free. Katai is amazing, she's my girl and my partner and she's really what I want.

Galaxie from Pics Of You Videos on Vimeo.

In the end, after already feeling like H had been a bit condescending about my ride during my lesson (those damn insecurities talking again) I had an emotional drive home. I was completely aware of how silly I'm being. I mean talk about a bunch of first world problems! I have a pony I adore, a trainer I love, and a barn that felt like home the moment I walked through the door and here I'm disappointed that I'm not at a show barn and don't have a 5 figure GRP. Even I know it's funny, it's the fact that H has all of that and she's about 6 years younger than me that leaves me feeling like all the air got knocked out of me.

I processed the whole way home coming up with all of the above conclusions and finally, about 10 minutes from home realized that action is the best thing. Instead of feeling jealous or less motivated I need to just get my butt to the barn, work extremely hard and make opportunities for myself. I need to stop allowing myself to run out of motivation and go to the barn 3-4 days a week and just go and ride my pony! I need to start working out again so that I have the strength to give her a good ride (I died a bit at my lesson on Tuesday which didn't help), and I need to make getting a trailer this year a priority. This isn't about saving up and getting a fancy pony for me (even though I want(ed) Galaxy so badly that it hurts), it's really about wanting more opportunities. Not to win, but at least to get out there and show and to continue to climb up the levels and that's something I just need to work for.

More Core: Lesson Recap 7/31

I seriously need new content

It feels sort of weird to be back at my barn taking lessons with L when I know that in a month I’ll be at a new barn with a new instructor. It feels odd that I spent a few days there an took a lesson and now I won’t be back until September. At any rate, for completely unrelated reasons, I just wasn’t feeling it at my lesson on Sunday.

My BM actually asked me if anything was wrong when I got to the barn (I didn’t realize my body language made it that clear) but I was tired, out of it, and just not feeling like riding at all much less in a lesson. The weather was beautiful, if a little humid, and I’d been up for a while and had my favorite coffee. I was feeling fine, just not wanting to be there. I got Katai groomed and tacked up and met L in the ring. We started a little early since the previous rider wasn’t there (she’s getting a new Pomeranian puppy!!).

We chatted for a while about the plan for the next month which is basically to push both me and Katai since we know that we’ll go backwards a bit when we get to the new barn. L wants to be sure I have as many tools as possible to deal with an ornery pony which I very much appreciate.

It was clear pretty early in our warmup that Katai was feeling even less motivated than I was. They’re still on night turnout and were getting turned in just around the time that I got there so I think she was looking forward to bed and hay and not a riding lesson. I also have the feeling that there was a lot of pony partying overnight since it’s been a little cooler. Amazingly enough she wasn’t crabby, just sleepy and sluggish. Because of that L decided to work on transitions within the gait at a trot. She told me that when pony is sleepy like that and sluggish it’s exactly the time to work on spicing her up and not on a day when she’s already spicy.

At first Katai wanted to just run and canter when I asked for more but eventually she gave us some really nice floaty lengthening’s and her more collected work at the trot was the best that it’s been. It did certainly get her spiced up and after doing it to the left she didn’t want to walk at all going to the right. After getting the walk for half a circle we went to the right and she did really well that way as well.

As we worked into the lesson she asked a bit about what Jane had worked on with me and was working on my position as well. We talked about how I’ve let my core go and that it’s not always as bad as it is when Katai is rushing (like she was at Jane’s) but I still need to use it more. I felt especially like a floppy bag of potatoes in this lesson which sucks. I just haven’t been riding as regularly since spring. Between everything going on I’ve been riding more like 2-3 times per week (trail rides and lunging don’t count) if I’m lucky. I just need to start working out more regularly again and of course riding more regularly now.

I was still in a bit of a funk throughout the lesson. I’m going to really miss L and I think that it’s effecting me more subconsciously than I realize. I was having a tough really giving my all in the lesson and I HATE that. I want to always do my best especially when I’m working with someone like L. At any rate, by the end of the lesson I’d broken through it a bit and when we talked about plans and what I needed to work on for myself and Katai I was feeling better and actually left the lesson with some of my missing motivation. Now, for some unexplainable reason, I’m feeling really motivated. I feel like after a few months where I haven’t been able to find that consistent riding schedule that works I’m sort of back on track since there aren’t any big plans to derail me over the next few months. Now I just need to actually ride!

Motivation

I think that motivation is a really interesting thing. We used to talk about it more as inspiration when I was growing up as a musician in a family of musicians but it's pretty much the same thing in this case.

As I was growing up I had constantly changing interests, like most kids I'm sure, and from one day to the next the thing that I was motivated to do could really change. I had a bunch of different hobbies and interests, had different pets, learned different things like sculpture and basically would be really, really into something for a few weeks to a few years off and on before moving on to something else. The only thing that really stuck around through all of that was horses but I never really got to do all of the things that I wanted to until recently and I think I filled in some of that want with other hobbies.

Over the last few years it's been all about horses, Katai in particular. I haven't taken on any new hobbies and have really focused on dressage and Katai as well as other important things in my life like being vegan (food, recipes, learning to make new things like brewing Kombucha etc), blogging,  spending time with friends, getting more fit, doing stuff with Veggie, focusing on my new job etc. It's been nice! It's nice to focus on one thing, its nice to not be spending money on picking up, and then dropping, a whole bunch of new things and it's all I really wanted.

So far my motivation hasn't really gone down. I've had small peaks and valleys and times where I'm just less motivated to ride but mainly it seems to be more about just laziness than anything else. However recently I just haven't been as motivated as I was and knew that something was nothing me but wasn't quite sure what it was. It's been a couple of months since I was motivated but at first I thought that the break when I was in WA for a week might help, then when I got back and got so sick of course I wasn't going to be motivated. The problem is that I just haven't been feeling like I'm really motivated and back into it even now that I'm feeling better.

In my musician family we used to talk about doing other things that would help with our motivation such as reading a good book, going to an art museum, spending time at a national park, going for a hike etc. Sometimes though it's just immersing yourself into the thing that you aren't feeling motivated to do even more that help increase your motivation. The problem is that it's tough to know which will help.

I think I finally figured out why I haven't been as motivated but I'm going to share more about that later. For now, the break last week and watching all of those talented ponies at the National Dressage Pony Cup was really good for my motivation.