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Couples Therapy: Stubborn Together Blog Hop

I’ve had this idea for the past couple of weeks but finally decided that I was curious enough to make it into a blog hop.

Basically, I’m curious what role your trainer/instructor plays in the partnership between you and your horse. I’m not talking about unicorns and the Black Stallion here, just good common sense instruction on how you work with and ride your horse beyond the technical aspects of dressage. Is it something they feel strongly about either way or something that they just don’t work with at all?

My experiences have been very interestingly different. When I started with J (not Jane, past instructor who I dislike) I was surprised at the amount of animosity that she approached riding and coaching with. Anytime the horse wasn’t immediately doing what the rider asked it was “giving them the middle hoof” and was being uncompliant. She used a lot of force and even when I would specifically tell her that I thought something was just physically or mentally tough for Katai or that Katai didn’t understand something she would brush it off and say that my pony did understand and just wasn’t listening.

Then I worked with L who had very similar feelings about that relationship/partnership that I do. At first she made a big impact because I was coming from J’s antagonistic approach but ultimately both L and I were kind and fair but removed from really engaging in that partnership. Both of us have lost animals, and in her case people, that we were very close to and I think it made it tougher for us to really connect and come at this topic from a loving place. Instead it was more of a kind, fair, but casual sort of feeling which is how I’d initially worked with Katai and my past horses.

Now with Jane that’s completely different. She is working a lot with me on the technical pieces but I feel like some of the work she’s doing with me that’s had the biggest impact is on my partnership with Katai and how I function in that partnership. Jane has been doing this for a long time and owned and trained a lot of horses but it doesn’t feel like she treats this like her job. While she’s extremely professional about it, she also acts more like a coach, or as my friend says about her instructor, she’s my Yoda. Everything from the terms that she uses, to the way that she teaches and how she expects me to make changes with Katai is different and I’m learning so much. She uses terms like “hug” when she refers to leg contact, or tells me to take time to get her flexed correctly on the side where it’s tougher for Katai. She also LOVES mares which is nice since I also love them but I’m realizing that I don’t always know the best way to train/ride them.

I can’t believe how much this has all impacted Katai and the way she is to ride. She’s gone from tense and dramatic to loose, stretchy, relaxed and thinking in the time between when I ended with J and now but the biggest change has been in the past month. It’s been an interesting and amazing journey and I can’t wait to see where we are in the next couple of years!

So, how does your current (or past) trainer manage the partnership/relationship between you and your horse(s)?


  1. Oh fun! I'm in :) I finally found a trainer I love and I really appreciate her after some bad experiences previously.

    1. Awesome! I can't wait to read your post :)

  2. What a great idea. Let me do some thinking...

    1. I can't wait to see what you come up with :-)

  3. Oooooh I LOVE this topic! And I love that you've found a trainer that has helped develop your relationship with Katai!

    1. Thank you!! Me too, it's not something I was necessarily looking for but it's so needed

  4. Great topic! I'm so glad the new barn is working out so well for you!

    1. Thank you! Me too, it's amazing how it all came from needing to cut back on my pony budget a bit :)

  5. Interesting! I'm going to have to contribute to this :)

  6. If you want to solve your issues in your relationship then you can give a try to couple therapy once in order to avoid break up. Visit our blog post to know about common issues in couple therapy.

  7. Hi,
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