Jingles

Not of the Christmas kind. I made it out to the barn tonight after not being able to go Wednesday (snowstorm) and Thursday (Thanksgiving) and finally trotted Katai in hand. She was super lame, much like last Wednesday the day before the vet got there.

I texted my vet and we had a phone call this evening and he's worried as am I. We have a plan but it includes a much more extensive vet visit and based on Katai's overall lack of improvement so far I'm getting pretty worried that we're looking at something more serious.

If you could send jingles, prayers, positive thoughts, or whatever that would be very appreciated.

After the vet call I walked next door to the park and watched fireworks to distract myself.
My heart wasn't really in it though

Taking Steps

Last grain with bute on Monday!!

I don’t necessarily want or need to share intimate details around the mental health stuff I’ve been working on for the past year or so but this post is about some high level mental health stuff that impacts pony things. I do want to share this level because not only is this a journal for myself about horse stuff and this plays into it but also because maybe someone else out there will gain something from this.

Feel free to skip or read.

I’ve always had pretty high anxiety, ok like really high anxiety. My mom does as well so I’m sure that’s probably part of it. It doesn’t have a hugely visible impact on my day to day in that it’s never negatively impacted my performance at work, I rarely (if ever), make decision based on my anxiety, however, it plays into everything, every day of my life. My way of dealing with it, for lack of having any other answer, has typically been to just force it down and ignore it. For most of my life I’ve thought it was just normal nerves of the type that everyone deals with but it’s come to my attention over the past year that it’s way more than what many people deal with. This led me to seek out therapy. The particular therapist that I was seeing wasn’t a great fit so I’m in the process of finding a different therapist right now but I’m looking forward to learning more about how to manage this.

So, anyone may know the answer to this but how does this relate to pony stuff? I’ve never thought of it as an issue with horse stuff. I’ve never had an issue with fear in the bigger ways that some of my friends have. I’ve had lesson anxiety but that normally goes away once I’m in the saddle so I never really worried about it, and I’ve always thought I was managing it pretty well. Two things happened this past week though that made me take a big step back and realize that I’m just not ok continuing on as is.

Today, snow...

First, on Thursday when the vet was out I was having massive anxiety. I felt almost light headed and definitely nauseous (both normal for me with stuff like the vet visit). If I could have curled up in a tiny ball and let someone else deal with the vet I would have done so. Of course it ended up being ok but I was FREAKING out. I had it tamped down pretty well by the time I got to the barn and brought Katai into the cross ties. I wasn’t thinking about it but Katai was escalating, and escalating. I was standing and talking to someone about the weather (or something else inconsequential) and I looked over to Katai trying to alternate rearing in the cross ties and spinning. Her muscles were all tight and her eyes were huge. There was NO reason for her to do so that day, like any other day where she’s falling asleep in the crossties, other than my anxiety. Plus, then when I handed her off to the assistant (and Katai doesn't like strangers) she was back to being her calm, normal self.

Suddenly I realized that if, in a place that both of us feel safe. A place where Katai is normally quiet and half asleep, she was hose show level escalated, it was entirely related to my anxiety. That means that at shows, where I’ve thought I’ve had a training problem I’ve actually had an anxiety problem. I’ve been walking around thinking that Katai has poor training and poor ground handling at shows and confused because she’s SOOOO good at home and feeling sort of powerless to work on it. I’m sure we’ll have some work to do anyway since new environments do that but the silliness that makes her so tough to handle at shows? Entirely my anxiety. Trailering? Same thing. I know some people say that it’s almost always the person that’s the problem, in this case that is absolutely 100% true. Of course, upon more thought, it may feel like I have it tamped down but Katai and I are very connected and of course when I feel internally like I’m going to die Katai picks that up and also feels like she’s going to die. It’s sort of wonderful in a tragic sort of way.

Second, this weekend I was listening to the Oliva Towers podcast with Jane Pike on cultivating a resilient mindset. I’ll be honest that after my recent therapy experience I was wondering if there was anything to be gained by doing therapy. Then I listened to this podcast and learned more than I ever had from my therapist and decided it wasn’t me, and was more of a mismatch between the two of us. I’m going to be working on some of the things that Jane Pike talked about, and, also working hard to find a therapist that works well for me because I want to improve and help Katai feel better so that we can both have fun at shows.

It’s empowering because it means that by working on that anxiety and finding solutions to that I’ll be solving probably 80% of the handling issue we have at shows where Katai seems to revert to being feral. Then we’ll just have 20% of true training to work on to get her used to calmly following directions in strange places. I know it’s going to be hard work but I’m looking forward to it.

So Lame

The poor lame beast herself

Well, I was really hoping to have a better more positive update but instead I have an update that Katai is very lame. In all the time I’ve owned her she’s had periods where she’s been off but almost never actually been head bobbing lame. Unfortunately I don’t seem to have dodged the bullet this time so in the theme of us just not catching a break…

Two weeks ago I rode three times and she was awesome. Mondays ride was ground pole day with my friend M which I’ve written about. Then Tuesday I had a good, if quiet, ride where she felt a little flat and tired but was sound. On Friday I had a FANTASTIC ride that I was looking forward to blogging about. Her canter felt strong and it felt like she had presence again rather than just being flat and tired. I was so happy and encouraged. I didn’t push her hard any of those days and only rode about 15-25 minutes each day to slowly start building her strength.

Prior to the lameness the boyfriend and I did a road trip to
 Chicago for a live show at the Chicago Theater.

Saturday and Sunday I just fed supplements and treated her feet. I was really happy to feel like I was getting back to consistent rides and looking forward to making more progress the next week. Then on Monday I went out, planning to do a ground pole ride again, but when I went to put her halter on she backed up from the round bale and sort of stumbled on her left hind. My stomach sank immediately.

I got her halter on and walked her up to the barn. I was hoping maybe she had an abscess but she seemed more upset about lifting and moving her leg forward than standing on it (although that seemed uncomfy too). I asked the barn owner and another boarder to give me their opinion while I walked and trotted her in the arena. They thought that, while she was clearly lame, it wasn’t awful and she could have just slipped and pulled something. I asked if she were there horse if they’d call the vet and they said to give it a day or two. Luckily another boarder had the vet coming out that Thursday so I decided to give her Tuesday and then on Wednesday evening have L watch her trot out and make my decision from there. L is experienced with lameness spotting so I figured she could let me know if she thought it was improving enough or not.

I'm loving this gorgeous thing. Review coming soon!

Tuesday I gave ulcer meds and cleaned feet and actually thought she looked slightly better and more confident on her leg. Wednesday evening came and I did supplements and hooves while L finished up a lesson. When L was available I brought in the arena. At the walk L was able to see it but only barely and I started feeling better but then I trotted her and my stomach sank again. She was REALLY off on that hind leg at the trot, worse than on Monday :( L said if it were her she'd call the vet in the next couple of days so I called the vet clinic and get Katai added to the vet’s schedule for the following day. Then I proceeded to FREAK out.

It was awesome to be able to chat with Jen from CobJockey and M from the barn because I just haven’t had to deal with this ever *knocks on wood* On Thursday I literally felt like I was going to throw up and barely made it through the morning without a panic attack. I got to the barn early and brought Katai in to get her cleaned up.

Standing in the barn with her was interesting with where my anxiety was at and I plan to do a separate post on that experience. Eventually though the vet got there, finished pulling coggins on the other horse, and I handed her off to him and his assistant. The vet had her walk and jog and I was relieved to see that she was much better again, even better than Monday from what I could tell. After being a 4/5 lame or so on Wednesday the vet put her at a 1/5 lame at that appointment. He also had me walk and trot her on a small circle where she also didn’t look bad. She didn’t react to hoof testers or any palpation. He thinks, as does L, that it’s something high up potentially in her stifle and is likely soft tissue since she doesn’t have any heat or swelling whatsoever that we can find. It had gotten muddy again a day or so before she hurt herself so I suspect she was running around and either fell or slipped and strained it.

I laugh to keep from crying

His recommendation? Stall or paddock rest for 5-7 days, a steroid injection, and bute for 5 days. I was worried about stall rest because if left alone in a stall with no other horses in the barn she would spin, rear, and try to run in circles around her stall. Luckily I have an awesome barn owner who found me a small paddock for her that is the best of both worlds. I moved her over there on Thursday afternoon and would like to keep her in there through Wednesday and then walk and trot her out for L again on Wednesday evening to see if we need to do further intervention or not. In the meantime she’s getting supplements, ulcer meds, bute, and her feet still treated since we had a warm up and are back to mud again. I also finished her clip finally. The bute will delay her ulcer med plan so I’m going to add a couple more weeks on just to make sure I completely let those heal before I stop her meds.

I’ve got all of my digits crossed that she’ll fully recover by Wednesday and then L and I can make a plan to very slowly and lightly bring her back to work.

Perception

Another boarder with one of our very friendly barn cats

I have previously had a post named perception but it was back in 2017 so I figured I could reuse it at this point lol.

Lots of things have been happening and I've been wanting to blog more but haven't really had much positive to post about. Since there have been so many negative posts recently I decided I was going to wait until I had something more positive to share. I now do! I'm also going to update on some of the other less positive though just because that's important background.

Since my last post I've been able to make it out every single day to give ulcer meds. Tomorrow is the first day I won't be able to but I have someone else set up to give them and if she can't, for some reason, I have three back up people. Have I mentioned how much I love the community at this barn? Tonight is day 22 of the three pill protocol so only about a week left of three pills and then we step down to two pills for 14 days and finally 1 pill for 14 days. While it's been awesome to be out there every day I'm also looking forward to when this is over and I have a little more flexibility in my schedule.

It has proven to me though that most of the days when I "can't" get to the barn are more that I'm telling myself that I can't rather than that I actually can't make it.

Unfortunately not much riding has happened. After the massage, and the following two days off, I rode and thought Katai was slightly off. It was confirmed by a couple of others at the barn but that it was REALLY slight. Some people thought I could still be riding, others didn't and I decided not to push it. Based on how she was off I guessed heel pain and thrush was the most obvious answer. I'd been treating but not very aggressively and we got so much rain for awhile there (seriously we had rain every day for at least a couple of weeks) that the horses were standing in mud 24/7 around the round bale. In the past she would have at least been in a stall overnight where her feet could have dried out a bit but now that she's on pasture board she wasn't even getting that break from the muck. She definitely had thrush in that foot and the deep sand footing was likely putting pressure on it and making her ouchy.

Tiny car getting snow tires

I made myself a timeline where I would call the vet if she didn't improve and treated more aggressively every day (since I was out there anyway...). She remained slightly off up until the day where I was making the decision and then trotted out completely sound. I totally lucked out on the timing! Yesterday I rode a fully sound pony and it was AWESOME! M and I did ground poles (not very successfully on my part) and talked dressage theory. It was 100% lovely and really ignited my motivation again to get some real riding work done. I'm going to join her for ground pole Mondays this winter and then go with her and her horse on trail rides next summer to help with Katai's fitness.

Seriously though, that ride was everything I needed right now. In continuing the theme of nothing going smoothly horse wise we got some snow this past weekend. It was so cold, and no chemicals are on the roads yet so I watched multiple vehicles spin out ahead of me. Luckily I got snow tires on my tiny car on Friday so I was handling it fine but decided that the chances of being taken out by another car were too high so took side roads the rest of the way home.

Coffee at the barn. The light purple dot is Katai

Also on the weekend, my clipper motor finally died. I didn't do a good job with maintenance when I first got it so I wasn't too surprised. It lasted 5 years and I did about 2-3 clips per year so that's around $10-$13 per clip which is still a good value vs. paying someone else. However, I had made it part way through both sides and Katai has lines EVERYWHERE and looks completely moth eaten. Everyone is laughing at her right now. I really do need working clippers especially since the barn and arena here are heated. Luckily I was able to get a lot of hair off (most of one side and some of the other) before it died so while she looks crazy at least she's not overly hot.

I was trying to figure out what to do and then I got the email from Dover about the gift card sale and decided to just go for it. I got a different type of clipper that I think might do better on her super thick coat and picked up some blade wash, a free gift, and got the free $100 gift card that I think I might use on black Friday. I REALLY didn't need to spend the money right now but a clipper is a necessity so oh well.

What I really wanted to post about though is my mood this winter and perception of what the weather is like. Last year I obsessed over the forecast and any day below the mid 20s had me in a bad, or sad, mood. I just couldn't easily keep myself warm at an unheated, uninsulated barn at those temps. In addition, if it snowed my tires couldn't handle it and my car would slide around and be unsafe.

This year I was hearing all these people complaining about the awful weather and felt surprised. I wasn't even paying attention and then when I looked I realized that it was already in the teens. that is REALLY cold for even us at this point in the year but I just didn't care. I'm not even joining in other people's whining because I feel great! It may be cold going from the car to work, or the car to the barn and sure it's cold when I catch my pony but I have a nice warm sanctuary to escape to so I just don't care. It's so completely wonderful that I've been in a great mood this year and just am not dealing with as much depression since I get my barn time. It's lovely.

I'll share more about my plans to get Katai and myself fit and back on track soon!

Protocol

Back to warm, sunny days where progress was being made.

As mentioned in my previous post I'm doing some problem solving right now with what's going on with Katai. I think that mainly it was stress related and from a big change in her living conditions but there have been small things going on with her here and there so it made sense to just relook at what I'm doing and consider some additional options to make sure she's feeling her best.

First, was ulcer treatment. I started out with UlcerGuard because she was refusing to eat her supplements, and therefore the Nexium pills, but the plan was always to go back to Nexium for the majority of the treatment because of the cost effectiveness and past treatment effectiveness of this for Katai.

After the complicated musical cars process of giving away the half bag of alfalfa pellets I cleared the space in my car and picked up a bag of Senior. I don't love feeding Katai grain but a few handfuls won't hurt and if it's palatable enough that she'll then eat the important supplements and ulcer meds I'm all for it. Luckily it has been working and she's eating it so I didn't just buy a 50# bag of gran for nothing haha.

Unfortunately for me and my personal life the Nexium pills need to be fed daily in order to be effective. I'm following the protocol of 3 pills for 28 days, then 2 pills for 14 days, then 1 pill for 14 days to hopefully not cause a spike in stomach acid. I'm on day 11 right now and that means that this will go into December. I'll be honest, it's a lot to try to get to the barn every single day but I've been successful for the past week. In looking ahead it looks like I'll be able to make it out every day through November except for 1-2 where I'm going to try to get a fellow boarder to give her the meds. This would be much easier on stall board but oh well we'll get there soon enough :)

I also mentioned making a change in other supplements in my previous post. Up until now she's been getting four supplements with California Trace as the main vitamin supplement. CA Trace doesn't have enough vitamin E so she's getting that as well as an Ulcer preventative and Magnesium since CA Trace doesn't have enough of that either. The new supplement has some coverage for all of the above so, while it's a bit more expensive, I will be saving a small amount with just feeding that one supplement rather than all four others. Mostly though it has additional Copper, Zinc, probiotics, biotin, some anti inflammatory stuff, and enough Magnesium and other vitamins and minerals that she's getting now. It's meant for hoof health but also to support the metabolism which are both of Katai's problem areas. Also, since there is just less stuff that I need her to eat I'm hoping it will go down easier with the handful of senior. I also went back to Smartpaks just to make life easier and because there was a small additional cost savings which was awesome. She's starting with a loading dose per the instructions. Once I figure out how this is working I'll do more of a post on what I'm trying.

Most recent riding picture I have :/

To address any body soreness she also got a massage last Monday. The massage person, named Dave, was awesome and came highly recommended from M (the friend who referred me to this barn). I REALLY liked him and, while Katai was a little defensive, he was getting lots of releases. He has rehabilitated a couple of horses at the barn and the work he does is more sports massage based. He did some myofascial type work as well as traditional massage and spent some time working on some specific pressure points. The only thing he really noted was that her hamstrings were tight. We both thought it could potentially be the mud and just the transition from stall to pasture.

He also agreed that just the stress of the move likely caused some ulcers but seemed pleased with her condition and musculature overall. He was also great to talk to about the lack of riding recently and felt that I was following a good protocol in getting the Ulcer meds started and giving her a chance to heal a bit before I went back to doing much riding.

Now she gets two days off, including today and tomorrow, where I'll just go out to give her meds, supplements, put thrush stuff in her feet, and probably hand walk her a bit. The plan then is to ride on Thursday and see how she's doing. Hopefully all of this will pay off and she'll be feeling comfortable and fit :)